Hey there! You've probably taken every Buzzfeed quiz in existence by this point, so you're in need of a new personality! Luckily enough, The Bystander has the perfect options for you! Take this quiz and find out: which Fordham University at Lincoln Center campus dining location are you?
What do you usually grab as a snack between classes?
Who is your favorite family member?
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Pick a dog breed:
Favorite outfit to wear
Which dessert would you be?
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Answers!
By Francesca Ciannavei
Earlier this month, Fordham University emailed an official statement to almost no one, announcing student workers would not be able to benefit from New York’s minimum wage increase. The university justified their decision by citing the institution as “not-for-profit,” “educational,” and “exercising their right to suck.” However, Father McShane just found some loose change under the couch cushions in his office, so everything’s OK now. For weeks, student workers had been especially frustrated about the issue, as nobody notified them directly, and they had to find out from the Fordham University Injustice Pony Express. “Jade told Elijah who texted Olive who posted on Instagram which Mitchell Tweeted a screenshot of and then it got passed around Snapchat,” said Nora Patterson (FCLC ’18), who works in the Office for Student Uninvolvement. Between their busy schedule of demanding equal rights for transgender students and scrubbing swastikas off of the desks at Rose Hill, student organizers were circulating a petition and planning a strike, leading to concerns from the administration. A spokesperson from the university responded to the student workers’ concerns, saying “We were planning to use McShane’s couch money to re-renovate the sixth floor. We know the construction was completed less than a year ago, but after ten months as a member of the Fordham community, it’s already lost its shine. Our top priorities have been re-renovating the sixth floor, re-renovating McKeon, and polishing that Ram on the plaza. But I guess we’ll just give student workers the raise. Also, the guys and I are going to go get lunch.” My dear students, faculty, and members of the Fordham community: Everybody stop what you’re doing right now. Put down your books, cease your lectures, halt whatever it is that miscellaneous community members do. It’s time for us to all come together and grieve. This morning, as I am sure you are all aware, the US News and World Report released their 2019 college rankings. While last year, Fordham experienced the unfortunate decline from #60 to #61, nothing could have prepared our delicate Jesuit hearts for today’s bombshell. Our dear mother Fordham, the bosom of learning from whose teets we all lovingly suckle, is in a six-way tie at the abysmal ranking of #70. Take a moment to step away from your digital devices and cry, if you need to. I will understand. I know that this news must come as a shock to all of you. But this is beyond shocking. This is downright nauseating. Seeing our beloved university ranked alongside the lackluster institutions of Florida State University, Stevens Institute of Technology, University of California at Santa Cruz, University of Massachusetts at Amherst, and the University of Pittsburgh is an insult to both the hallowed halls of Fordham University at Rose Hill, and the adequately dry-walled singular hall of Fordham University at Lincoln Center. There must have been some mistake. Fordham will not stand for this level of disrespect. We are so much better than that. So we at Fordham University are releasing a rebuttal to the U.S. News and World Report rankings. Let’s go through the list of forgettable schools with which we were so unrighteously paired, and explain how the rankers misjudged.
2. University of California at Santa Cruz In a similar case to Florida State, the rankers were simply confused by the similar sounding names of UC Santa Cruz’s provost, Marlene Tromp, and the highly unpopular president who may or may not have briefly attended our university, Donald Trump. Tromp, Trump, Tromp, Trump, they’re basically the same, it’s no wonder there was a mixup! While I am justly disappointed at the rankers’ mixing up Tromp and Trump, I can understand how that error occurred. But what I do not understand, my fellow rams, is how the rankers can look themselves in the eye this morning knowing that they ranked sumptuous Fordham on the same level as those slugs. Don’t think I’m being insulting, fellow rams. I’m serious. Their official mascot is “Sammy the Slug.” Disgusting. We are most regal and dignified Rams. We have lovingly killed over 21 real Ramses the Rams in our impressive 177 years as an educational institution; how do such impressive stats still put us on the same level as slugs? Are slugs the answer? Do slugs determine the rankings? Should we incorporate more slugs into the core curriculum? Into the very fabric of our school culture and society? More slug students? More slug athletes? More slug speakers! MORE SLUG… ME!!! WE MUST BECOME THE SLUGHAM SLUGIVERSITY SLUGS, AND ONE YEAR FROM THIS VERY DAY, WE WILL RANK HIGHER ON THE CHARTS!!! YOU WILL ALL SEE!!! 3. University of Massachusetts at Amherst Now this one was quite the hilarious “Switcheroo,” as the kids say. I cannot stop laughing. Surely this is all a joke, one big joke, and none of this is real. The good youth of the U.S. News and World Report were surely exhausted after poring over the endless data sets and statistics of seemingly endless universities. As a result, their tired eyes were suddenly blinded by the sheer, overwhelming whiteness of both the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, and our dearest, most beloved Fordham University, in both the racial makeup of our student bodies and the literal whiteness of our mascots -- the Minutemen and Ram, respectively -- that they could simply not see straight and mistakenly assigned us a ranking 20, no, 30, no, 69 spots below what we would have originally been assigned. It is a shame, but alas, this is a problem that we just are not equipped to ever solve. 4. Stevens Institute of Technology The rankers were simply confused by the male to female ratios of our respective institutions, because their ratio -- about 70% students are male and 30% are female -- is exactly the same as Lincoln Center’s except reversed! As we all know, the rankers only see numbers but can’t discern between women and men (because they are, as well all know, 100% equal in rights and earnings and power and everything but the Church), so they saw our similar numbers and thusly assumed that we were in fact the same institution! MEN AND WOMEN ARE THE SAME. GENITALIA IS A LIE -- at least, I think that’s the case for slugs. Can you tell a female slug apart from a male? Slugs are the answer, they are the future, they are… everything. 5. University of Pittsburgh The explanation for this mistake, like the cavernous womb of our slugging, I mean, loving mother, Fordham, is goo, excuse me, two-fold. The first fold is of course that the rankers were confused that both of our institutions have inslugnificant branch campuses that no one seems to care about -- for Pitt there’s Pitt Bradford, Greensburg, Johnslug, and Titusville, and for our dearest Fordham there is of course Westslugster and Lincoln Center. The labia minora of this explanation is, of course, that both of our mascots, the Pittsburgh Panther and the Fordham Ram, are both animals, and not slugs. There is only one thing we can do, Fordham, to solve today’s issues. We must infiltrate our supposed equal universities. We must become the slugs we fear. It is the only way. The transformation begins: now. The process has begun. I wish you all the best in your metamorphoses. Ad mayorum Dei slugoriam, Rams. Until we meet again.
Joseph M. McShane, Jr. Rather than go home to spend time with his friends and family who love him unconditionally, Tony Popper (FCLC ’21) decided to stay in the city for the summer.
“Sure, I would’ve liked to go home,” said Popper, “but I had a sick job offer for the summer, and I just couldn’t say ‘No,’ you know? Like, it’s New York City—I’m living in the place of my dreams.” Popper worked as a Wag! dog walker, and lived in the McMahon dorm building with his three roommates: Michelangelo the theatre major, Miguel the theatre minor, and Marvin the musical theatre enthusiast. They were up all hours of the day and night in order to perfect their “craft.” “I’m living my dream… I chose this life,” Popper continued, with a faraway glint in his eyes. When asked what he did with his spare time, Popper explained that he liked to travel deep into the wilderness of Central Park where he “can sob in as close to solitude as one can get in New York City.” Then, the excited Popper exclaimed, he spent hours thinking about how he “never went on any Wag! walks, because if I’m being honest, I am kind of intimidated by dogs. Also, all of my friends were home in Westchester for the summer. Also, the Gilmore Girls reboot was such a letdown.” “I’m good, I’m fine! Forreal, my dudes!” Popper exclaimed, even though no one asked. Before publication, Popper checked with us multiple times to make sure that we had only read one dog-eared page of his journal that he sent us. It talks about how much he loved staying at Fordham for summer session. Each time Wag! is mention, more exclamation points follow. There are also small smears on the page that Popper insists are from “excitement tears.” While Frederick J. Wertz, Ph.D. leads Fordham College at Lincoln Center into the 2018-2019 academic year, the Rev. Robert R. Grimes, S.J., Ph.D., will spend more time with his model train collection.
“As a passionate collector of model trains, I’ve rarely gotten the opportunity to enjoy my hobby in the past two decades,” Grimes told The Bystander in a recent interview, while he tinkered with his new Atlas HO Scale GE B30-7 CSX locomotive. Grimes is the longest-serving dean at Fordham, having led FCLC since 1997. During that time, he strove to instill students with a love for model railroading, a goal which he hopes to continue in his time as dean emeritus. “Model railroading is not just a hobby,” Grimes said. “It’s a lifestyle.” While Grimes said that he was “happy” with the new majors and minors launched during his tenure and “impressed” by the dramatic increase in student enrollment he oversaw, he was disappointed that some of his more ambitious projects were never implemented. They included a sprawling model railroad layout to occupy the location of the old Quinn library, and founding the Department of Model Railroad Studies. “I’ve loved my time as a dean, but how am I supposed to be satisfied with overseeing the successful transformation of an entire campus if my students still don’t appreciate the royal hum of a shiny HO model speeding through the hallowed halls?” Grimes lamented as he fiddled with his Walthers model of Alaska Railroad engine #1202. While the longtime dean of FCLC still has a year ahead to plan, he has already begun to prepare for his research sabbatical in 2019-2020. He intends to spend it touring the roundhouses and short lines of rural Ohio to find inspiration for his next layout. “It’s been my dream to see the Age of Steam Roundhouse in Sugarcreek,” Grimes said, wiping a tear from his eye as he packed up boxes of Athearn catalogs and back issues of Model Railroader and Railroad Model Craftsman. As an avid model railroader himself, the newly appointed Dean Wertz agreed with Grimes’ goals for the years ahead of him. “We’re just looking out for what’s best for the trains,” Wertz said, sporting a shirt from the 2012 Norfolk Southern Heritage Locomotive anniversary event in Spencer, North Carolina. “Whatever helps the trains, helps Fordham.” 1. Much like candles, this flag falls under the category of candle paraphernalia which is not allowed on campus! 2. Fordham University was recently fell from 60 to 61. ‘nough said. 3AM is hinting towards the guest policy on campus, as we know this policy prevents many straight couples from having sex and that’s what a Jesuit education is really about. This inappropriate flag encourages breaking rules and having sex outside of marriage. 4. Red Solo Cups? I think not 5. Recently ranked in the ten worst schools for Free Speech on campus, we know why this flag was banned.
FCLC Senior Paul Martinsen has been wearing his signature navy blue Cape Cod sweatshirt with silver lettering since freshman year, just to make sure that everybody knows where his family has had a beach house for every summer since he was five. Now, Martinsen’s love for his beach abode has become a part of him.
After wearing his sweatshirt for three and half years continuously without removing it, Martinsen’s sweatshirt has melded with his body’s skin, developing a thoroughly hideous exoskeleton of worn blue fabric and obnoxious Masshole pride. “I hadn’t been removing it to shower or sleep or anything,” he told me. “I just can’t believe this has actually happened.” Martinsen began to notice a difference in his sweatshirt when one of his friends grabbed the cuff of his left sleeve, and he felt a sharp pain. Startled, Martinsen looked down at the inside of his sweatshirt, and saw that it had melded with his body, developing sensory nerves of its own “It’s terrifying, but also really disgusting,” said Martinsen’s friend and fellow FCLC senior Jacob Bartleby. “I mean, I knew he loved his sweatshirt, but becoming consubstantial with it? I think he might be taking things a little bit too far this time.” Other classmates were equally appalled. “I don’t get why he feels like he needs to affirm to everyone how much his family loves Cape Cod and how much he loves that sweatshirt,” said FCLC senior Michaela Gardner. “He walks around going ‘I haven’t even taken this sweatshirt off to sleep or shower.’ We know, Paul. We’ve been complaining about the smell since October of freshman year.” We tried tracking down Martinsen for a follow up interview to get his response to Gardner’s and Bartleby’s comments, but we were told by Bartleby that he could not be reached. Martinsen was last overheard in his room yelling “I am the sweatshirt. The sweatshirt is me. I am one with the sweatshirt. The fabric runs through my veins. I embrace my sweatshirtness. I thrive in my sweatshirtness. There is no longer any Paulness. There is only sweatshirtness.” August 27, 2017
Dear Diary, I can’t believe that tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life… Freshman Orientation at Fordham University, Day One. I can’t sleep a wink because I’m so full of excitement. Earlier today, I was home alone (who leaves a kid home alone on their last day before college?) and the loneliness made me sob uncontrollably for literally like 40 minutes straight (I got it all on my Facebook Live and that’s how long the video went on before my tears fried my computer’s circuit board). But that was a moment of weakness. I got my tears out of my system and am now full of nothing but joy for the four years to come. I bet Orientation will be so fun and that I’ll make my best friends there. Also, I am really pumped to meet my roommate, Rebecca (IDK her last name, is that normal??). She’s very mysterious and doesn’t seem to be on any social media, but I guess that’s how it goes when you do random assignment. Anywho, we’ve emailed back and forth a bit and she seems chill, so I’m sure we’ll get along great. Besides, I’m clean enough and very easy-going, so I know I won’t be the problem. LOL! Well, I’m gonna try to get to sleep now. Update you tomorrow, goodnight! August 28, 2017 Dear Diary, Orientation has been very lame thus far. I guess my expectations were too high or whatever, but it’s fine. Have I made friends yet? Well, not really, but it’s only the first day, it all goes up from here, you know? So yeah, socializing and befriending people has been kind tough, IDK, maybe because it’s a city school so no one wants to bother with talking to other people because they’re all so busy making their dreams come true. #BigApple #TheCityWhereDreamsComeTrue :) So yeah, after a long day of listening to boring people speak, I went back to my room (where I am now). This morning I moved in and saw that my roommate hadn’t moved in yet. But now, it’s clear that someone else has been here and yet… there’s no one else around. One other odd thing is that the other bed has been replaced by a much smaller bed (very cool polka-dot sheets, though!), and the closet is full of tiny, doll-sized outfits. I assume this is a prank. It’s very funny, ha ha. My roommate is a prankster! Like “Impractical Jokers” (God I fricking love that show). Can’t wait to meet this goofball I live with! August 30, 2017 Dear Diary, Sorry I didn’t write yesterday. TBH, it was a crazy day, very emotionally draining, and I’m just trying to process what happened to me. So, I guess I should just get into it. My roommate, Rebecca, is WHACK. And I’m scared of her. Because her pranks have gone too far and she knows a lot about my personal life and past. You see, yesterday I awoke to see a body in that other tiny little bed. “Hey Rebecca, you here?” I called out. The little body fricking turns towards me and it is a goddamn ventriloquist dummy. And she looks me right in the eyes and says, “Hello Margie, it’s been a while.” So at this point, I think I’m still in a dream. I slap myself in the face a little and yet this doll is still looking at me… talking to me. And claiming to know me, too? What’s up with that?? I was like, “LOL, Rebecca, stop messing around with this doll and come out so we can finally meet in person!” and then the doll looks me dead in my eyes and opens her mouth and is like, “I know it’s been 10 years, but do you really not recognize me?” I was so freaked out I ran out of the room and went to Orientation Day Two festivities in my giraffe-printed PJs (but I remembered to take my diary of course, teehee). I slept in the elevator last night because I was too scared to even get close to my room, but I have to go back to brush my teeth soon, so wish me luck I guess. September 8, 2017 Dear Diary, Well. I don’t know how to say this without sounding crazy, but it appears that Rebecca is my ventriloquist dummy that disappeared one day when I was eight. You see, I used to be really into ventriloquism and got a dummy for my 8th birthday. Her name was Rebecca, and she was a brunette with an ugly blue dress and a creepy, large smile. Over time, I got less into ventriloquism and more into magic, until one day, I realized that she just disappeared (and I wasn’t the one to make that happen! I’m an awful magician, LOL). My parents had no idea what happened to her, either. I guess I eventually forgot about her, so when I saw her lying in bed, I couldn’t recognize her. Also, she really had a huge glo up since I last saw her. She wears cool clothes and got rid of the silly braids. Same creepy smile, though. We had a heart-to-heart where she said she left because she didn’t want to be anyone’s second choice and you know what, I see where she’s coming from, and I respect her for it. She said she had to find herself and had been living on the road and doing her thing, making music, going with the flow. She went on to tell me that she really enjoyed our time together and wanted to reconnect, so she ended up hearing through the grapevine that I’d be attending Fordham, so she decide to apply and request me as a roommate. And so here we are. I was really freaked out, but now that I’ve had a week to process and get to know her for the Rebecca she is now and not who she was, I can see she’s a really cool girl. I’m excited to see what this year will hold :) GO RAMS, lol!! |