Here at The Bleat, we’re predicting this seasons hottest costume trends! We’ve compiled the top ten fool-proof costumes that are sure to make everyone scream this Halloween!
1. Androgynous Vampire
Go to all those Halloween parties as an androgynous sexy vampire! Flirt it up, and confuse the hell out of everyone who finds themselves attracted to you. If anyone presses you on the question of gender, just eat them! No one will question it this time of year; it’ll fit with all of the themes!
2. Sexy Oat Milk
Want to look sexy while still proudly declaring you’re vegan? Look no further! This sexy oatmilk costume is the perfect daring choice that still ensures everyone in the room knows you wouldn’t hurt an animal if your life depended on it. But make sure to mention it to everyone you meet too, just in case.
3. Creepy Clown
Are you a white man who thrives on making those in the room with you feel slightly distressed? This is the costume for you! Scare women and children alike dressed as a clown this Halloween!
4. Oddly Sexualized Preteen
This one's a gimme. Oddly sexualized preteen has been a major costume trend for years! It's about time you all got in on the fun! Show your little girl how much you appreciate her by -- okay, no this is still gross, never mind. Moving on to number 5!
5. Horrifying Political Candidate
No matter what your political stance is this Halloween, you’re bound to have a lot of fun dressing up as a political candidate you despise, shown to be the horror that he is!
6. Himalayan Salt Lamp
Want to show off those legs but literally no other part of your body this All Hallows Eve? Well then you need to go as a sexy Himalayan salt lamp! Become a natural ionizer and help get those negative vibes out of any Halloween party!
7. Racist White Person
Hey white folks! You know all those leftover horribly offensive Native American, Mexican sombreros and ponchos, and Japanese Geisha and Samurai costumes you used in previous Halloweens before you got "woke"? Just leave them at home and go as a racist person this year! Much cheaper, and you can let your inevitable micro-aggressions be the costume for you!
8. The Void
With the news about the world going downhill like a snowball thrown off the Grand Canyon, this is the most topical costume ever. Be the most popular guest at the party by coming as the inescapable ever expanding void!
No, it's not Kevin from The Office (though you can eat chili while wearing this costume). It's just a guy named Kevin! Kevin is a really easy costume: you can feel free to just re-use your racist white people costume!
10. Dapper Fishy
Last but not least, pets! How could we end a list like this without a little homage to Fido and Mittens? But put those little kitty bat wings away and give poor Mittens a break this year, because this Halloween’s hottest trend in pet costumes is Fish Couture! Dress up Goldie in this fabulous costume and see the crowd go wild! Happy costuming, people!
I’m in a bit of a pickle.
You see, I have a very rich friend named Carlos. He recently invited me to hang out at his very large apartment on the Upper East Side. “Heck fricking yeah!” I said. But now, here I am in his apartment, desperate to empty my bladder but unsure of where to do it.
I’m no idiot, okay, I know what a toilet is supposed to look like. But that’s the problem — because Carlos is so goddamn rich, everything in his apartment is too fancy for me to comprehend. Nothing he owns is normal. The room that he claims to be his bathroom, where I currently am, looks like this:
(And yes, the two women are actually in this room. I don’t know what their purpose is… They’re just staring at me and smiling. I thought they were mannequins until one of them blinked)
So that leads me to my big question: Can I pee in this?
Let’s take a closer look at the objects in this “bathroom.”
On the floor, there seem to be two storage chairs/bins for your shoes or other small objects. It has a very nice, sleek design. I wonder if they sell these at my local Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Also, can I pee in this?
This looks like it’s some sort of jewelry box. It looks structurally sound, like it could contain a lot of jewelry. Judging by the dimensions, it could probably fit about 12 rings, 37 pairs of earrings, and a scarf. Can I pee in this?
There is an 82% chance that this object is a set of drawers. It looks well constructed. When I punch it, it hurts my hand. I could probably fit a few hamsters in here, if I wanted to. Can I pee in this?
I’ve stumbled upon an item that looks a lot like a microwave. If I’m not mistaken, you can put a bag of kernels inside one of these contraptions and it will come out as popcorn. There are certain things you shouldn’t put in a microwave, but I always forget what they are, and have caused a lot of fires as a result. Can I pee in this?
This might be a lamp. You put your hands over it, and they’ll get all toasty and warm. I have a lamp at home, and I can go hours just sitting and staring at it. Can I pee in this?
Bed? I don’t own a bed. Can I pee in this?
These are the cupped hands of one of the girls sitting in this room (they’re still staring at me). They are hardened and scabbed from what I can only assume has been years of labor (farm work, perhaps). The Life Line on these hands tells me that she hasn’t got much time left. She is wearing purple nail polish. Can I pee in this?
There’s no toilet to be found in this bathroom, so I’m just gonna hedge my bets and pee in everything!
Thanks for taking this journey with me, folks.