By Charlie Friedlander
Students were left bewildered and conflicted after Sheri Miller (FCLC ‘24) sneezed into her elbow this morning, only to receive a verbal blessing from classmate John Charles (FCLC ‘23). The confounding decision to speak unprompted during a finite mathematics lesson came as a confusing surprise to many students in the class. Glorious STEM major Jessica Patel (FCLC ‘23) lowered herself to our liberal arts level to give a comment. “It was kind of weird, because like -- Sheri was muted when she sneezed?” Expanding further on the confusion, Patel established that, “most of us didn’t even notice when she sneezed,” and that it felt “aggressively performative of John.”
We tricked adjunct mathematics professor Martin Imahara into giving Bleat reporters the scoop. Professor Imahara, who is only sort of a real professor, told us that John Charles seemed like, “a bit of a try-hard when it came to social interaction,” and that “[John Charles] made an incredibly detailed and extensive ice-breaker at the beginning of the semester, even though all he was supposed to do was give his name, major, and pronouns.” Imahara, who both sleeps and works from his Toyota Camry, said it was, “too much, and not like an ‘aw, he’s trying his best’ kind of way.” Unfortunately, before reporters could dive deeper into John Charles’ icebreaker, Imahara learned that we were not actually from the Observer and terminated the interview.
Eyewitnesses reported that the sneeze occurred early in the class, which began at the crack of dawn (11:30 a.m.). Sources who wished to remain anonymous speculated that the sneeze could have occurred for a number of reasons -- be it the early hour, when many students are prone to “morning sneezes,” or perhaps some pollen that wafted through her open window. Additionally, some wonder at the possibility of dust as a contributing factor to the sneeze. Sources close to Sheri revealed that, like most students today, she spends much of her time either sitting at that god-forsaken desk in her room during class or taking depression naps between meals. Given the upwards of fourteen hours a day Sheri spends in her room, it’s quite possible that her own skin particles ultimately caused this sneeze.
Justice Amidst Anarchy: Father McShane Refunds Housing Costs via Dining Hall Swipes
By Charlie Friedlander
At the core of Fordham’s Jesuit mission are the virtues of generosity and kindness -- without them, the very foundation of our beloved institution would be eroded. Reflecting these tenants, Father McShane magnanimously announced this week that on-campus Fordham residents could expect a partial refund of their $20,000 housing payments, available immediately to all students through the campus Dining Hall.
Though students certainly shouldn’t expect a monetary refund, Father McShane was quick to assure reporters that students would receive the full value of their remaining housing payments. Accounting for each swipe, which comes out at roughly $11 a pop, the once desperate students of Fordham can breathe easy and enjoy roughly nine hundred more meals at Lincoln Center’s premier dining establishment. Whereas other universities have offered their students financial compensation in the wake of COVID-19 related quarantining, Father McShane found this ingenious solution after meeting with university budgetary expert Roger Smith.
The diligent & vigilant (those words are so hard to read close to each other) reporters of the Bleat approached Mr. Smith to get a closer look into this new policy. “I mean, all the food’s still sitting in there, going to waste otherwise -- some of this vegan curry is still good”, said budget committee member Roger Smith. While Smith gave the sneeze-guards a quick spit-shine, reporters asked about potential monetary reimbursements. Smith explained, “Oh yeah -- refunding the money would friggin’ sucked”. Asked to elaborate, Smith clarified that, “we want the housing money, because it’s a lot of money; but there’s also a lot of food here, which we don’t want”.
EDIT: Since the writing of this article, Father McShane announced the refund of 50% of housing costs, and will be taking it upon himself to ship each student’s share of leftovers to their billing address.
By The Bleat Staff
Trump’s Twitter account was hacked this week and all his DM’s have gone public. Let’s take a look into the detached and crazed DM's he is sending as impeachment slowly creeps up! If you thought his Twitter feed was bad, you've gotta see these...
Napa Valley Tourism Industry Hopes to Lure Lovers of Nature with First Nature-Focused Winery; Complete with Dirt Tastings and Tree Bark Platters.
By Jackson Letterman
Earlier this year, members of Napa County’s tourism board expressed the desire to attract more nature enthusiasts to the area in an attempt to offset their reputation as a hot spot for middle aged white women to get day drunk while ignoring the fact that their children are at home literally ripping their house out of its foundation.
Recently, a Napa Valley couple reached out to the Board and expressed their interest in marketing their newly-inherited family winery as a Natural Thotmas Vineyards (Trademark pending), the world’s first winery for nature lovers. Carey McCoy, 28, and her fiancé Joseph Thotmas, a French Instagram Influencer, recently inherited an 800 acre winery in Northern Napa Valley, and have been working tirelessly to completely transform it into Napa’s next tourist trap.
In contrast to a traditional winery, Carey is introducing a new trend to appeal to her fellow millennial nature lovers. She will not be offering any wine, but instead her vineyard will offer several types of dirt imported from all over the globe. Below is a list of all varieties Carey is offering at her winery, along with its country of origin.
Dirt (Pronounced in an Australian accent), Australia
흙, North Korea
I am excited to share that I received a PR package from Natural Thotmas Vineyards after they heard about this article and I’m even more excited to be the first to review their dirt varieties! Sol, Suelo, Έδαφος, and Suolo were all amazing, but the true standouts are Dirt (Pronounced in an Australian accent) and 흙. Dirt (Pronounced in an Australian accent) has wonderful undertones of kangaroo feces and vegemite that really separates it from the rest. However, my personal favorite is 흙. 흙 has alarming undertones of oppression and nuclear fallout that sincerely caused me to experience true panic. When dirt is able to instill real fear in the taster, that’s when you know it’s quality.
Of course, Carey’s dirt has no alcoholic content, so Carey and Joseph Thotmas encourage tourists to pregame heavily before arriving in order to fully emulate a traditional winery experience
Along with the selection of dirt, Natural Thotmas Vineyards will also offer an assortment of tree bark to pair with the dirt, ranging from Oak, to Redwood, to the highly exclusive Balsam. No, your eyes are not deceiving you, they got balsam.
Carey and Joseph are planning for a Summer 2020 opening, however may consider pushing back if they are unable to secure enough instagram sponsorships. Already included on their roster is Jenna Marbles, Billy Ray Cyrus, and Blue Ivy Carter in her very first brand deal. However, they are still in negotiations with K-Pop group BTS and the little boy from Birdbox. You can apply for the position of soilmmelier by commenting under one of the thirst traps on Joseph's instagram page.
*Please note an instagram following of at least 5,000 is required to secure a reservation at NTV, in order to ensure exclusivity.
By Julianne Holmquist
White Liberal American, Stacy age 27, tweeted an onslaught of angry messages towards President Trump about his mismanagement of the US-Mexico border this morning, when she realized the potential crisis could possibly affect her personal life. She was devastated after receiving news on Twitter that there may be a shortage of avocados in the upcoming weeks if President Trump follows through on his threat to close the US Mexico border, which people cross daily for work, education, and family visits and more. So guess what, STACY, your avocados aren’t the ONLY thing that have to cross the border. That’s right Stacy, eat your sad plain toast and think about what you said.
This was never supposed to happen.
The Scene: Burning. Everything is burning. Cars are piled-up, heaps of crumpled metal. The odd rubber wheel rolls aimlessly and alone down the fiery remains of I-105. The perpetual, cheery Los Angeles sun now seems mocking and cruel. And in the center of it all stands one man --
The History: America is a nation broken and divided by politics and social issues. However, if there is one thing that everyone in the country can come together and agree upon, it is that the Carpool Karaoke segment on the CBS’s The Late Late Show with James Corden is frickin hilarious.
Every day, Americans demand more and more carpool karaoke. James Corden does his best to supply -- he tirelessly learns song after song, staying up days on end practicing everything from “Thank u next” to “It’s the End of the World” thousands of times for YOU, America, YOU.
So, February 2nd, 2019 was supposed to be a day like all the rest, where Corden would jump into his car with some beloved celebrity, and he would sing his heart out, and we would all sing with him. But that wasn’t what happened that fateful day. It turns out many hearts would be out by the end of the day, just not through song. So it goes.
The Crime: James Corden cruised down I-105 in his used 2009 Honda Civic, shrieking “That’s Amore” as celebrity guest, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, harmonized accordingly. It was fun, it was great, and it was cool as hell. But then the raucous pair hit traffic. And that’s where the trouble began.
Exclusive video footage streamed from The Rock’s cousin, Phil’s Facebook Live, gave viewers an intimate, back-seat view of the entire, gruesome incident.
“WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE THAT’S AMORE!” James Corden charmingly bellowed. But suddenly, The Rock was as silent and still as… a rock.
“Dwayne, you missed the harmony on ‘Amore,’ mate, are you alright?”
But Dwayne remained quiet. His face was scrunched up and his muscles were starting to shrivel up and deflate. Here, the livestream shook as Phil quaked in fear.
“I’ve seen this face before!” Phil squeaked. James Corden violently turned and faced Phil, fist raised.
“Who the bloody hell are you?!” the beloved late night host demanded menacingly.
“I-I’m Phil! Dwayne’s 58 year-old cousin, remember?”
James Corden remembered now.
“Well, Phil, what’s the problem?”
Phil gulped, eyes wide and terrified.
“Dwayne is about to sneeze.”
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson had transformed into “The Pebble” within minutes -- his muscles had completely deflated, and all of his limbs had retracted back into his body, so that he was just a ball with a head. A head fiercely trying to hold a sneeze.
“The world has never seen Dwayne sneeze before because it’s dangerous. He’s one of the most powerful and charming men in the world. To be so well-liked, he holds a LOT in. And when he sneezes, that power and hatred and animosity comes out. And it’s explosive.”
Phil looked as if he’d seen a ghost after spouting out this monologue, but James Corden only laughed.
“Good one mate-”
And just like that, as the last “That’s Amore” rung out in the car, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson sneezed.
His sneeze was a ball of flame that torched through the windshield and struck the car seized by traffic in front of them; The car exploded on contact and set off a chain reaction of explosion, a Domino effect, a Rube Goldberg, if you will, of cars exploding into massive bursts of carnage and flame one after the next. Every car except for their own exploded in a massacre taking 400 victims, all captured live on Phil’s Android.
James Corden turned off the radio.
The Aftermath: No one hoped for the Carpool Karaoke Massacre of 2019 to happen, but we can admit in hindsight that we all kind of saw it coming. For now, Carpool Karaoke production is suspended, and the nation waits with bated breath for the segment to be okay to watch and enjoy again. But for now, we take solace in binging ingenious Tik Tok videos and Instagram comedians.
James Corden and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson faced no negative repercussions. Phil took the fall. This is America.
By Julianne Holmquist
After weeks of negotiation, two bills that called to end the shutdown failed to pass. The Republican bill included funding for the border wall and heavier asylum restrictions in exchange for a temporary extension for the DACA dreamers and TPS holders. Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, and Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, found this deal to be an insubstantial compromise. Schumer stated that the bill is “one-sided, harshly partisan, and was made in bad faith.”
The Democratic bill called to temporarily end the shutdown by funding the federal government through Feb. 8th while negotiations continue. Six Republicans crossed party lines to vote for this bill, yet it too failed to pass.
Luckily, a bipartisan bill passed to end the shutdown. This revolutionary bill that is definitely not a direct copy of the Democrats original bill called to temporarily end the shutdown by funding the federal government through Feb. 15th while negotiations continue. You hear that? 15. Not 8. Totally different.
Realizing that it will be extremely difficult to appease President Trump without including a border wall in their plans, Democrats have shifted their tactics. In further attempts to work across the aisle, Democrats will consider a wall in their next set of terms for border security.
This wall, which is gaining favor from both Republicans and Democrats, will rest on the northern border of the United States, and it will span from the west to the east coast.
Descriptions of the border wall have shifted since President Trump included the promise of a wall in his 2016 campaign. Early conceptions of the wall described it as 50 feet of concrete spanning about a thousand miles. Recently, President Trump has been describing a steel, fence-like structure that will border key areas. Both of these plans for the wall have since been scrapped. The US-Canada border wall will be composed of a pleasant looking 4ft. tall white-picket fence.
This unimposing fence (I mean wall) will not run across any Native lands or obstruct any pretty views of Canada. The Canadian side of the fence will have intermittent flower beds and welcome signs. The US side of the fence (I mean wall) will increase what Pelosi refers to as “border security and ego security.” Trump will be able to tell his supporters that he has built their wall, and the fence (I mean wall) will include several signs which contain phrases such as “Trump is a winner, you are a loser,” “Trump is more attractive than your Prime Minister,” and a classic, “Trump was here.”
This fence (dammit. wall) will stand for years to come as a symbol of party cooperation and compromise. Americans should be proud of all the progress their leaders have made during this brief five week shutdown.
This Monday morning, 20-year-old Mark Fisher spent his entire train ride fervently wishing that someone, anyone, would notice his reading choice. Fisher picked up the new Ruth Bader Ginsberg biography a mere 3 minutes before getting on the West 14th Street 1 train, immediately tossing the Barnes and Nobles bag lest anyone realize he hadn’t yet cracked it open.
Witnesses report that Fisher boarded the train, took stock of the passengers, and sat down feet away from the first attractive young woman he saw before conspicuously placing the book on the seat of his corduroy pants. He then strategically tilted the book upwards so that the title was legible to everybody around him. Although the words were humanly impossible to decipher at that angle, when approached for comment, Fisher got defensive and said he “just reads like that.”
Fisher then proceeded to dive into his new tome, admirably managing to make it through a couple words at a time before flicking his beady little eyes upwards to check for impressed reactions from his fellow commuters. Getting none, Fisher took a different approach, artfully arranging his bland face into a look of intense concentration. He even tried a thoughtful chin rub, finally resorting to audible “mmm”s of interest that, unfortunately, nobody could hear through their Airpods. After an impressive 15 minutes and 36 seconds of this, Fisher gave up and looked through his own camera roll for the rest of the ride.
“I don’t know, I just find RBG really compelling,” said Fisher over-enthusiastically when approached for comment by our team, adding that he “had to run” when asked what, exactly, he found compelling. At press time, Fisher’s roommate, Scott, was using Bader Ginsberg’s My Own Words to prop up his iPad so that he could watch “American Dad!” hands-free.
By Grace Getman & Cathleen Freedman
McKeon residents have come forward with paranormal complaints. As far as we can tell, they have occurred since the removal of the controversial Robert Moses plinth in 2016.
Upon further questioning, these students say that the Robert Moses plinth’s spirit haunts their dorm. Yes, EXPLICITLY the Robert Moses plinth. Do not confuse the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth with the spirit of Robert Moses. We talked to Robert Moses’s ghost, and he said he would like to be excluded from this narrative. All ghostly accusations are toward the ghost of the plinth.
The first sign that something was amiss occurred in September, when several freshmen reported hearing car honks in their dorm at 4am, the time when the only sound students should be hearing is their drunk suitemate stumbling back from Rose Hill and then loudly complaining that they lost their key. These students theorize that these honks are the doing of the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth. Robert Moses is remembered by many as a big fan of cars.
In addition, one FCLC ‘22 student said she “can hear the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth whisper through the faucet.” Every time she brushes her teeth, she hears the plinth’s spirit say, “Erect the plinth...Erect the plinth….” When asked for further comment, she denied and said, “I’ve heard too much already.”
Multiple McKeon residents have reported that they have found their bamboo plants from the CAB Back-To-School event in September knocked over. One FCLC ‘22 student says he walked into his room and saw the spirit of Robert Moses’s plinth in the middle of knocking down his bamboo plant. When the student asked the Robert Moses plinth’s spirit why he was knocking down the bamboo plant, the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth yelled, “CONCRETE JUNGLE, BABY!”
On October 3, a group of FCLC ‘22 students were stuck in a McKeon elevator for three minutes. “It would have been longer,” one of the students said, “but the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth said he would let us out if we signed a petition to reinstate the plinth on campus.” There were no injuries except for the students’ reputations.
More serious injuries occurred in November. Right as the RA was coming to perform Room Safety & Health Inspections, tapestries and string lights were spontaneously placed on a student’s walls. Freshman dance major and victim Sasha DiGiorno says she hurriedly threw the offending items out the window, and then chanted “vroom vroom vroom” three times in front of a mirror in order to summon the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth, because She Wanted To Have Words. The statue offered no apologies, instead offering her a place in McMahon if she would let him turn her dorm room into an opera lounge. She refused but said she’d reconsider if it was a jazzercize lounge instead.
With all of these alarming incidents afoot, the investigation into the whereabouts and motivations of this plinth(and whether it is, in fact, a stele) continue, and any information would be appreciated.
If you see the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth or have any information, please contact us at 1-800-PLINTH.