CHICAGO, IL — Airline passenger and noted sweaty person Geoffrey Markus tacitly announced that he intends to either finish his sandwich or not finish his sandwich before boarding his flight to San Diego, which is set to depart in 10 minutes.
The former course of action would force Markus to eat his sandwich quickly and haphazardly, likely resulting in scattered crumbs on the terminal seats and cementing Markus’s position as the final person to board the plane, making him “that guy.” The latter tactic would allow Markus to board immediately, but would also lead to his consumption of the sandwich within the confines of the middle seat, with nowhere to put the sandwich residue or garbage for the full 4 hours of his flight, also making him “that guy.” Markus, who checked-in for his flight earlier this morning and remarked “oh yeah you can do that online now” even though said service has now existed for at least a decade, believed that his boarding number of C31 would ensure him sufficient time to purchase, consume, and dispose of his footlong toasted Italian bread Subway Black Forest Ham sandwich. “Normally boarding takes like 30 minutes! You know how they are,” Markus proclaimed to his concerned wife as he approached the counter, without clarifying who “they” are and refusing to indicate whether his statement was purely anecdotal or based on nothing at all. The public relations representative for Southwest Airlines could not be reached for comment, citing a “nasty Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt” that she had to “take care of first.”
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As millions of Americans gathered across the country to take part in 4th of July festivities, rumors have swirled throughout the nation’s capital that July 3rd might be getting jealous.
“It just doesn’t understand why July 4th gets all this attention every year,” said Darrell Chang of the Brookings Institution, a Washington think tank which recognizes the 4th of July as a holiday, but not the 3rd. “We tried explaining to [July 3rd] that people want to celebrate America’s independence, not just an early day in July, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference.” This year, the Independence Day of the United States falls on a Tuesday, leading many employers to give both Monday and Tuesday off. July 3rd has reportedly grown incredulous that millions of Americans will come together for celebrations on Monday with signs, balloons, and paper plates celebrating Tuesday. One source, which insisted on anonymity but greatly resembled a daily calendar set to July 3rd wearing a fake mustache, contended that this year, the weekend should be called “3rd of July weekend,” as that is “when all the fun shit is finna go down.” The source, which could not have weighed more than a few pounds and whose only remotely human characteristic we could distinguish was the aforementioned mustache, pointed out that there are many things worth celebrating during the 24 hours before Independence Day. “Where would we be without the founding of the Bank of Savings in New York in 1819?” pondered the source, which we feel obliged to report looked remarkably like an anthropomorphic bound paper stack in an unconvincing disguise. “Does the admission of Idaho as the 43rd state in this Union not deserve some form of acknowledgment? And what of the Labour Party’s 1995 victory in the St. Kitts and Nevis general elections?” “I believe any rational calendar day — duhhh, I mean human American person — would admit that these events are much cooler than signing some brown old parchment, and deserving of at LEAST half as many barbecues and/or pool parties.” No lawmaker in the 115th United States Congress has yet proposed a national holiday immediately preceding the 4th of July. It seems that cries from one anonymous lobbyist flapping around the Capitol that such a holiday would be “dope as hell” have fallen on deaf ears. HOUSTON — After completing a 3.5 hour shift as an IT Specialist for Innovative Solutions Corp, a position which required him to periodically answer the phone and professionally Google whatever questions he was asked about the company’s website, Geoffrey Doyle rewarded himself with a company-mandated hour-long break, in which he planned to Google several interesting topics with which to entertain himself.
“Trump,” “Mummy 2017 box office,” “GSW records,” and “best 80s music” were among the dozen or so searches that Doyle completed, which led to various articles and YouTube videos for his edification, each of which he consumed about 10–25% of before skimming the rest and moving on. This came after a full morning of searches which included “Innovative Solutions Corp Website,” “ISC Website,” “Internet Explorer not loading,” and “how to set company website as home page.” “I like to keep up with things,” Doyle said, quickly scrolling past a Vice thinkpiece before completing another Google search which led him to a Slate thinkpiece. “I don’t have enough time to drive anywhere for lunch, so I just go down to the building’s deli, grab a turkey-and-cheese [sandwich], hang out there for a little bit, then I come back up here and still have 30 minutes left to do whatever.” Doyle, who graduated from the University of Houston with a Bachelor of Computer Information Systems in 2012, earned his degree after eight semesters of Googling tutorials and Wikipedia pages for his courses. He matriculated from the University of Houston to the Innovative Solutions Corp office after graduating on scholarship, which he attributes to “working really hard in high school,” where he Googled the answers to various study guides in Math, History, Science, and English, and utilized Google Translate “para [su] clase de español.” “It’s just really nice to unwind before getting back to work,” Doyle concluded, knowing that his work would ultimately consist of Googling similar, if not identical search queries from earlier that morning, while leaving the tabs open of that which he Googled during his lunch break. “By the time my lunch break is over, it’s already pretty close to the end of the day.” Upon concluding our interview, Doyle cheerfully waved goodbye, left the ISC offices, and arrived at home 37 minutes later, where he was seen opening Facebook, scrolling down his news feed for 2 minutes, and refreshing Facebook again. SPICER: Trump Leaked Information to Russian Officials Because He’s a Gemini and Can’t Help It6/1/2017 Press Secretary Sean Spicer has released a statement saying that the President cannot be held accountable for giving classified intelligence to Russian officials, because Geminis are often prone to being clever fast-talkers.
“You see, Geminis often feel caught in the middle of things, between supportive and challenging energies. The President is simply living out the life that his sun and his ascending have given him,” Spicer said. “While Vanity Fairis a clearly biased publication that often publishes fake news, you cannot deny that this May’s predictions for Gemini signs were spot on for President Trump.” Michelle Graves, a reporter for the Washington Post, said that Spicer’s comments gave her increased clarity on recent events. “I had noticed that the President was making a lot of decisions that most presidents don’t, but when Spicer explained that his actions were based on an archaic and superstitious means of determining who someone will become in their lives, it made total sense.” The press conference ended with Spicer predicting that, based on the positions of Venus and Neptune this summer, Americans should keep in mind that Trump will likely become restless and want to take more risks. However, he told them not to worry; the Trump administration is currently taking applications for a peace-loving, mellow Taurus to join his cabinet and dissuade any possible fear. |