Op-Ed: If Sand Were Alive, We’d Be Pretty Boned

The news has been pretty hard to swallow lately. That’s why every once in a while, it’s good to take stock of what’s going well in your life, and what could be worse. For example, researchers from Fordham University have recently discovered that if sand were a living creature, we’d be totally screwed!

Phew! That would have been rough, y’all.

“It’s really quite simple when you think about it. There’s so much sand,” study co-author Professor Layla Richardson observed as part of a panel entitled Times of Sand: Imagining if We Were on the Ground and Sand Walked Like People. “Where would it live? There’s not enough houses for that. We would have to start life all over.”

You don’t have to tell us twice! The study goes on to outline how right now, it’s okay to eat sand because it’s not alive and no one will get mad at you. But if sand could hear and talk like humans, then you’d have to ask permission before eating it, and the sand might not always say yes. Anthropologists who contributed to the research also noted that if the sand got thirsty and wanted a Diet Dr. Pepper, someone would have to get it for the sand and then the sand would maybe be rude and not say thank you.

We sure dodged a bullet on that one.

Critics of the study have questioned whether sand would actually be pretty cool if it were alive, citing diagrams which show sand potentially helping you parallel park your car and saying happy birthday to your parents on Facebook. But the scientific consensus is clear: sand having consciousness would cause more harm than good.

So if you’re feeling stressed and wanting some Monday Motivation, look no further: you do not exist in a universe where sand can contemplate its own existence. Bless up!