Although I live fifteen stories in the sky, these goddamn birds pierce my ears every night at 2:00 AM. Beware of these 6 loud ass birds that have invaded the Fordham LC airspace:
These dirty sky vermin have infected New York for decades, and now they’ve infiltrated my eardrums. Some call them rats with wings. I call them jerk hats who need a new hobby that isn’t screeching at peak sleep hours.
Are we even near the sea? How did these godforsaken hell-creatures get so close to my bed? STFU, and GTFO Seagulls! Nobody likes you, and I am tired.
The embodiment of the phrase “you little shit:” this Albino Pigeon has a personal vendetta against me getting a good night’s rest. Every night he taps on my window with his grimy excuse for a beak and whispers “Open up, college boy, it’s your pal Craig the Albino Pigeon.” I’m buying a shotgun.
Small but mighty fucking loud, the House Sparrow really should change its name to “We Break Into Other People’s Houses. Sparrow.” Even after boarding up my windows with 2x4s and Gorilla Glue, I’ve woken up twice surrounded by these burglars holding me hostage in my own dorm room. I just want to sleep.
I didn’t know birds could laugh until I saw a group of middle school Laughing Gulls pointing and laughing at me through my own window. In under five minutes they found my deepest insecurities and made them deeper and more insecure.
Mimi, Craig’s Wife:
A beautiful dove, but don’t be deceived. I thought she was on my side. “I’m trying to help you,” she said. I trusted her. We laughed and cried together, but it was all a lie. She learned my iPhone password and shared my location with Craig and all their bird friends. They follow me wherever I go. I can’t sleep. I can’t walk. I can’t escape.