Nathan Picacho (FCLC ’19) has made an extraordinary discovery: the reason everyone does not like the Community Dining Hall is because the food does not taste good.
“I just had an epiphany while eating some very salty rice: I don’t like how this makes my tongue feel.” Nathan described the taste of his meal as “not good, definitely not great, and 100% not delicious. . . It was bad.”
Nathan, due to his study skills developed in his required Core classes, tried some other items, paying specific attention to how they taste.
“The burgers, the chicken, the coffee, all of it tasted bad. This is what I’ve come to call ‘a pattern.’”
A pattern, Picacho explained, is a series of events connected to each other in some way.
“I eat the food. It tastes bad; I become sad. I eat a different food. It also tastes bad. I become sad! That’s why everyone hates this dining hall!”
Students and administration campuswide are shocked at this revelation. Eddie Castle (FCLC ’18) had this to say: “When I heard about [Picacho’s] discovery, I had this huge sigh of relief. I never realized I hated the dining hall because of the food! Everything makes more sense now.”
Picacho went on to hypothesize that “although it sounds crazy, if Fordham made the food taste a little better, maybe students will like going to the dining hall more.”
“Baby steps, Nathan,” an administrator responded. “Baby steps.”
Rising FCLC senior and Political Science major Natalie Devereux was applying for fall internships on her iPad gifted to her by her sister, when she suddenly realized that accomplishing certain tasks as an adult can be quite difficult.
Upon realizing this, her manicure instantaneously chipped, her Vera Bradley bag tore at the seams, and the weed that she smoked in public places without fear of consequences disintegrated in her cupboard.
“Oh my God,” she gasped, clasping her professionally moisturized hand to her mouth. “I could possibly not get this internship. Then I would not get something that I am qualified for and very much want!”
“It’s like, I had heard that some things were difficult for other people before, but I never thought that the rumors would be true,” whimpered Devereux in between sniffles. “Like, if this is hard, then what else will be hard? Getting into law school? Balancing work and personal life? Paying for my first house? And car? And boat?”
The realization of things occasionally requiring effort that will not be immediately rewarded propelled Devereux into thinking seriously about using her many privileges to better the lives of the less fortunate. This attitude lasted a full 39 minutes, before she decided to instead make a blog about her philosophical epiphany.
“Because I’m the first person to realize how hard things in life really can be, I have a responsibility to share that with the world,” she wrote in a post that, at press time, she had already refreshed five times to check for likes and comments.
Outdoor Plaza To Secede From Lincoln Center And Join Rose Hill Campus Because That’s Where He “Belong[s], Bro”
Fordham Lincoln Center’s Outdoor Plaza has issued a public statement regarding its secession from the campus:
“I am leaving Fordham Lincoln Center and joining the real Fordham campus: Rose Hill. Why? Because that’s where I belong, bro.”
The Outdoor Plaza continued its tirade, swinging its arms, almost harming our reporters, exclaiming that, “You liberal kitty kats can have your concrete jungle in the oh-so-cutesy Upper West Side. Rose Hill is the REAL WORLD! There’s GRASS, and TREES, and COCKROACHES!”
The Fordham administration has issued several statements explaining that “it’s physically impossible for an inanimate park to relocate,” but students remain unconvinced:
“How am I supposed to see those misshapen body statues if they’re at Rose Hill? Do I have to pay for a Ram Van just to get from McMahon to Lowenstein?” questioned Rob Schnaufer (FCLC ‘19).
As it completed its indignant diatribe, the Outdoor Plaza bellowed “I’m done being walked all over by a bunch of shrimpy COMM majors.”
The gazebo thing everybody smokes weed under could not be reached for comment, but, as always, indicated solidarity with the Outdoor Plaza by doing nothing.
Security guard in 140 building resorts to playing Bee Movie memes to get people to give him some goddamn peace and quiet
Unsatisfied with the efficacy of his security announcements, Fordham security guard Patrick Beaty has resorted to playing Bee Movie memes at deafening volumes to get students to vacate the 140 Building at 11 p.m.
Previously, Beaty would say “It is 11 p.m. The 140 building is now closed. Please vacate the premises.” However, Beaty found that he was unsuccessful, with groups of students hiding out in Argo Tea until 1:30 a.m. each night. By playing videos like “The bee movie trailer but every time they say bee the content aware scale gets stronger” and “The entire Bee Movie but it is just Kenny” over the intercom, Beaty has found that the students are much more willing to leave when he wants them to.
“It’s honestly a miracle,” Beaty said while skimming through the depths of YouTube to find his next batch of horrid internet creations. “Ah yes, there’s a good one,” he said, chuckling as he pointed to thumbnail for “The Bee Movie But every time they say Bee, Shrek Screams ‘DONKEY!’ (And More!)”
For extra effect, Beaty has also donned a bee costume and wandered around the halls of the building while singing the Seinfeld theme song.
“I’m terrified, really,” FCLC junior Vanessa Chesterfield said. “I was walking down to grab something from the USG office and then I just heard it: the low, echoing tones of a man singing a cheesy sitcom theme.” Chesterfield said she ran in panic as the rotund black and yellow body of Beaty rounded the corner and started to accelerate in her direction. He repeatedly yelled “Ya like jazz?” as he waddled towards her, according to Chesterfield.
For the time being, however, Beaty’s shenanigans may be put to a stop. The intercom speakers were reportedly blown out last night after he played “scene from The Bee Movie where Ken tries to kill Barry but with Naruto fight music.” Beaty promises, however, that he will revive his strategy.
“They haven’t seen the last of me,” he said, laughing as he unloaded jars of honey into the water bottle sitting on his desk.
Although I live fifteen stories in the sky, these goddamn birds pierce my ears every night at 2:00 AM. Beware of these 6 loud ass birds that have invaded the Fordham LC airspace:
These dirty sky vermin have infected New York for decades, and now they’ve infiltrated my eardrums. Some call them rats with wings. I call them jerk hats who need a new hobby that isn’t screeching at peak sleep hours.
Are we even near the sea? How did these godforsaken hell-creatures get so close to my bed? STFU, and GTFO Seagulls! Nobody likes you, and I am tired.
The embodiment of the phrase “you little shit:” this Albino Pigeon has a personal vendetta against me getting a good night’s rest. Every night he taps on my window with his grimy excuse for a beak and whispers “Open up, college boy, it’s your pal Craig the Albino Pigeon.” I’m buying a shotgun.
Small but mighty fucking loud, the House Sparrow really should change its name to “We Break Into Other People’s Houses. Sparrow.” Even after boarding up my windows with 2x4s and Gorilla Glue, I’ve woken up twice surrounded by these burglars holding me hostage in my own dorm room. I just want to sleep.
I didn’t know birds could laugh until I saw a group of middle school Laughing Gulls pointing and laughing at me through my own window. In under five minutes they found my deepest insecurities and made them deeper and more insecure.
Mimi, Craig’s Wife:
A beautiful dove, but don’t be deceived. I thought she was on my side. “I’m trying to help you,” she said. I trusted her. We laughed and cried together, but it was all a lie. She learned my iPhone password and shared my location with Craig and all their bird friends. They follow me wherever I go. I can’t sleep. I can’t walk. I can’t escape.