In a true feat of mental strength never before seen on campus, sophomore Joanna Walsh successfully explained the entirety of her Philosophy of Human Nature course to a classmate in the three minutes before the midterm. Not missing a detail, she explored in great depth the nuances of Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, even taking a whole 4.5 seconds to ruminate on the nature of logic.
“I don’t know how she did it,” said Brandon Carter, the classmate with whom Walsh was speaking before their midterm today at 10:00 a.m. “After not studying at all and getting that three minute summary, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that prepared to take a midterm before.”
The interaction started when Carter, visibly anxious as he tapped his blue Bic pen against his wireframe glasses, leaned over the right side of his desk to talk to Walsh. She sat at attention, her desk cleared, save five identically sharpened no. 2 Dixon Ticonderoga pencils.
“Hey so can you explain what Plato was talking about to me?” Carter asked earnestly, hoping to save himself from certain failure.
“What part of it?” Walsh replied.
“All of it,” Carter asserted. “Actually the entirety of the course. Like all of the readings, all of the lectures, including the movie we were supposed to watch for homework and the three books over 300 pages that we had to read by this point, but that I haven’t touched at all. I figured now is a good time to talk about it. You can explain that all to me now, right?.”
Realizing that her time to show her true talents had come, Walsh took a deep breath at 9:57 a.m. and launched into a synopsis of Western philosophy that made Crash Course videos look like long winded documentaries. Her deft selection of detail and the amount of time she spent on each topic — about 9.745 seconds on average — displayed a clear understanding of the material that perhaps their professor did not even possess.
As the clock struck 10:00 a.m., Walsh ceased her explanation, and turned back towards the front of the room just in time to take the exam from the professor’s hand. Enabled by the wisdom imparted upon him by Walsh, Carter confidently took the exam, walking away with a 29 instead of the 17 he more customarily scored on such tests.
“I’ll forever be in her debt,” Carter said, breathing a sigh of relief as he shook his hand from exhaustion after having written a whole five sentences on the test that he had an hour to complete. “Most of the time when I walk in unprepared for class and ask one of my classmates to explain the entirety of the course material to me, I just get sideways glances. I mean, if Walsh can explain 7 weeks worth of course material to me in three minutes, why can’t everyone?”
We finally caught up with Walsh about an hour after the exam, when she was voraciously reading the works of St. Augustine while walking in the hallway between classes.
Although she said she prefers not to share her secrets, she did shed some light on how she managed to say everything in three minutes.
“It really just comes down to how much info you know and how much you’re willing to bullshit in order to get an annoying classmate you know to leave you alone,” Walsh said. “Sometimes, you get to use both.”
Nate Tucker, FCLC ’21, has decided that he will not be reaching out to club leaders to take part in any Fordham extra-curricular activities during his remaining seven and a half semesters at the school, because he has already established a strong friendship with the Ram Cafe’s crispy chicken tenders.
The young Ram was overheard saying this justification for loneliness to his roommate Will Donnelly last Monday, as a response to Donnelly’s question of whether Tucker wanted to join Model UN with him. Tucker reassured his concerned roommate with a pat on the shoulder and an eerily vacant stare into space, coupled with the justification for his decision to choose fried poultry over friends: “Chicken tenders don’t ask you to research Bangladesh for a conference. Chicken tenders understand.”
When pressed for how Tucker plans to replace his social life with the popular Aramark food item, he said, “I think it’s going to be very easy. From the moment we first saw each other, we just clicked. We go everywhere together: to my room, to the library, to class, to the bathroom…there’s really nothing I would rather do without them.”
Two days later, tensions in McKeon 21–08 seemed to reach a peak between Donnelly and Tucker’s new-found friend. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ASKED OUR R.A. IF YOU COULD SWITCH ME OUT AS YOUR ROOMMATE WITH A $5 DISH OF CHICKEN TENDERS,” Donnelly was heard yelling. Tucker had no direct response for Donnelly. Instead, he continued tucking a single chicken tender into Donnelly’s bed, and whispering something not entirely distinguishable, but sounded like “there, there, Tender. You won’t ever forget when it’s your turn to take out the trash, now will you? No, you won’t ever let me down…”
Interestingly enough, Tucker isn’t the only new Fordham student choosing fowl over friends this fall. 61% of Class of 2021 members surveyed said that they would rather spend their fifteen minutes choking down fried chicken by-product made by the Nation’s #1 Prison Chow Provider than make a genuine human connection with a classmate. In addition, 38% said that they wouldn’t mind paying up to $10 a day for the bird flesh strips if it meant that they wouldn’t have to make polite conversation with anyone also sitting alone in a McKeon lounge with them for the rest of the year. Most surprising, 19% of freshmen even offered to take this deal with the Ram Cafe’s crispy chicken sandwiches, even though Aramark employees have confirmed that not a single one of those has ever sold.
“Our numbers are growing,” said Tucker between loving French kisses with a small scraggly tender. “They’re growing just like a sophomore living in an overflow McMahon apartment: salty and alone.”
NEW YORK — On Monday September 18th, Fordham’s Lincoln Center added a ram statue to its Outdoor Plaza. Just two weeks later, the ram already feels a deep brokenness as a city dweller.
“I thought living in the heart of Manhattan would mean experiencing culture, being more productive, and making new interesting friends,” said the ram, “But within 24 hours I was crying on the C Train and being yelled at by a stranger.”
The ram has reportedly already become “bitter beyond belief” and can’t “even begin to explain [its] hatred for Times Square.”
Jacob Hinnant (FCLC ’20) tried to ride the ram, “Some friends and I thought it would be fun to pose on the statue for a picture,” said Jacob, “But the smell was unbearable. It clearly sleeps outside and hasn’t showered in days.”
Students have also complained that the ram howls at night. When confronted about this, the ram responded “I’ve had Dollar Pizza four days in a row and no one will sign me in as an overnight guest. I will howl as loud as I fucking want.”