A common complaint voiced by the student body of Fordham University is that, due to the university’s Jesuit values, there are no free, readily available safer sex resources on campus. Dorm overnight guest policies are also structured so as to discourage sexual activities between heterosexual couples.
Luckily, the university’s board understands that it is unreasonable to expect young adults to abstain from all sexual activity, which is why Fordham University proudly announced, via newsletter sent out on Monday, that all staff members of the health center are now ordained priests. If a student at Fordham wishes to have sex, they now simply have to walk down to the health center with a partner of choice and a trusted witness and, after a short ceremony, the student will be able to have as much sex as he or she chooses, with the complete blessing of the school.
The announcement of this exciting new initiative coincides with the beginning of the construction of a new on-campus day care center.
In a breakthrough for the feral cat community, Mr. Snuggles III of the dumpster behind the McGinley Center was elected the new President of United Student Government at Rose Hill.
In an unprecedented landslide victory against incumbent Brian Reardon, Snuggles III won on a platform of lowering housing rates, cleaning up campus, mouse reform, and legalizing shitting in a box.
“Meow,” Snuggles III said in his victory speech, which was met with thunderous applause by those gathered behind the McGinley Center on Sunday night. It is already being hailed as one of the best addresses in Fordham United Student Government history.
“Mr. Snuggles III is the kind of President I’ve been waiting for,” said Michael Johnson, Fordham College at Rose Hill (FCRH) ’18, of the unofficial student organization Feral Cat Representation by Humans (FCRH). “It’s time for their voice to be included.”
Not everyone, however, is happy with Snuggles III’s victory. The recently formed advocacy group Dogs of Rose Hill is already planning a demonstration, where they intend on barking in annoying yelps across campus until Snuggles III resigns. They have already gained the support of two Rose Hill students who say they were viciously attacked by Mr. Snuggles III’s campaign aides on campus earlier this month.
Also unhappy with the Snuggles III’s meteoric rise to power is former USG President Brian Reardon, who was spotted today in the Cosi on campus muttering “It wasn’t even time for an election,” and “How’d he turn in the paperwork?” into his margherita pizza.
Unleash The Beast!
Let Goo of Zoo!
Free The Zoo-Man!
These were just a few of the signs seen at the protest to free Robert Hicks, FCLC ’19, who was taken into custody by the Fordham Jesuits last Friday. Hicks, who is better-known by faculty and peers as “Zoo-Man Bob,” had been operating a pet store of sorts from within his dorm room since he arrived onto Fordham’s campus in 2015.
“When I came to college, I really missed my cat,” Zoo-Man Bob recently told us, as he sat in the center of a ring of Jesuits priests, who simultaneously acted as a human wall, while also staring at him in shame. “So I had my parents mail him over,” Zoo-Man continues. “I had Little Snuggles in McKeon with me all year long and no one found him. So I thought, ‘Sick, why don’t I get more animals?’. And I did. I went to Riverside Park every morning sophomore year and started selling the fish I got there as pets. As the year went on, I got better at catching pigeons and squirrels in Central Park, and I sold them too. I was never hurting anyone, ya know? I just wanted to give the students what they want!”
Students at Fordham College at Lincoln Center are not allowed to have pets of any kind with them on-campus; those who do are penalized with a fine. Zoo-Man Bob sought to bring the joy of animals to Fordham students, but ended up a victim of The System along the way.
We asked an animal-hating Jesuit (the coward asked to be unnamed in the article) to explain this most unlawful treatment of our beloved Zoo-Man Bob:
“I saw that in your email requesting this interview, you used the subject, ‘TELL ME WHY JESUITS HATE ANIMALS!!!’ I just want to specify, once again, that Jesuits do not hate animals. Please do not spread this lie; we can sue.”
Hm, methinks the man doth protest too much (just our purely objective, journalistic observation, of course). The Jesuits have taken our animals, furry friends that we need and love. One FCLC freshman, Anna-Beth Baker, is despondent in wake of this tragic event. Baker has anxiety; her doctor told her so. She needs an animal to keep her calm and heal her terrible loneliness, but the Jesuits want her to suffer.
“Peppy… they took my little Peppy,” Baker tells us, in between heaving sobs. “Peppy is my guide-squirrel. When she’s with me, I feel strong…” Baker pauses. “But one day, the bad men, they came into my room, and they grabbed Peppy from her bed (a Trader Joe’s bag). They squeezed him and I watched him die.”
Why can’t Fordham students be allowed to have animals? Why confiscate the harmless fish, guide-squirrels, and comfort-raccoons that bring such joy and light to students of the Fordham College at Lincoln Center community?
No one knows.
All that is certain is that Zoo-Man Bob must be freed, for only he has the power to fight the big, bad Jesuits who all hate animals and make students watch them die.
Fordham’s future is Zoo-Man Bob.
Let him go.