Despite every single person on campus discussing the fiasco that ended the Oscars, Fordham College at Lincoln Center senior Alex Preston still has not realized that Moonlight won best picture.
A self-respecting man from New England who enjoys composting and discussing his favorite Joan Didion books, Preston did not watch this year’s Oscars in order to protest the capitalist establishment.
“It just seems like the right thing to do, ya know,” he said, taking a moment to clean his designer glasses with plastic lenses. “With all these protests and petitions going on, I felt like I needed to do something significant and meaningful — like nothing.”
On Oscar night, halfway through writing a first-person Medium thinkpiece on how he overcame his white privilege while living in his private Boston-area neighborhood, Preston checked Twitter to see that La La Land had won best picture. Without hesitation, he breathed deeply and with a great howl, yelled “fuck white supremacy” before continuing to type on his 15’’ Macbook Pro with Retina Display that his parents got him for completing the first semester of junior year.
Before sleeping, he jotted down notes in his antique leather notebook for a thought piece about the ails of the film industry and how Moonlight’s loss was a metaphor for the current state of the country. Since that night, Preston has cornered any and all members of the Fordham community to air his grievances and has refused to check social media in order to avoid people wrongfully praising La La Land for their win.
Meanwhile, he has slowly become concerned that his classmates are conspiring against him by telling him that Moonlight won. While Preston says that he did not see any of the nominated movies, instead opting to re-watch Amelie 9 times, he strongly believes that he should weigh in on such matters due to his deep understanding of the human condition, which he obtained from doing a day-long service project in the Bronx his freshman year.