FCLC Senior Paul Martinsen has been wearing his signature navy blue Cape Cod sweatshirt with silver lettering since freshman year, just to make sure that everybody knows where his family has had a beach house for every summer since he was five. Now, Martinsen’s love for his beach abode has become a part of him.
After wearing his sweatshirt for three and half years continuously without removing it, Martinsen’s sweatshirt has melded with his body’s skin, developing a thoroughly hideous exoskeleton of worn blue fabric and obnoxious Masshole pride.
“I hadn’t been removing it to shower or sleep or anything,” he told me. “I just can’t believe this has actually happened.”
Martinsen began to notice a difference in his sweatshirt when one of his friends grabbed the cuff of his left sleeve, and he felt a sharp pain. Startled, Martinsen looked down at the inside of his sweatshirt, and saw that it had melded with his body, developing sensory nerves of its own
“It’s terrifying, but also really disgusting,” said Martinsen’s friend and fellow FCLC senior Jacob Bartleby. “I mean, I knew he loved his sweatshirt, but becoming consubstantial with it? I think he might be taking things a little bit too far this time.”
Other classmates were equally appalled.
“I don’t get why he feels like he needs to affirm to everyone how much his family loves Cape Cod and how much he loves that sweatshirt,” said FCLC senior Michaela Gardner. “He walks around going ‘I haven’t even taken this sweatshirt off to sleep or shower.’ We know, Paul. We’ve been complaining about the smell since October of freshman year.”
We tried tracking down Martinsen for a follow up interview to get his response to Gardner’s and Bartleby’s comments, but we were told by Bartleby that he could not be reached.
Martinsen was last overheard in his room yelling “I am the sweatshirt. The sweatshirt is me. I am one with the sweatshirt. The fabric runs through my veins. I embrace my sweatshirtness. I thrive in my sweatshirtness. There is no longer any Paulness. There is only sweatshirtness.”