HOUSTON — After completing a 3.5 hour shift as an IT Specialist for Innovative Solutions Corp, a position which required him to periodically answer the phone and professionally Google whatever questions he was asked about the company’s website, Geoffrey Doyle rewarded himself with a company-mandated hour-long break, in which he planned to Google several interesting topics with which to entertain himself.
“Trump,” “Mummy 2017 box office,” “GSW records,” and “best 80s music” were among the dozen or so searches that Doyle completed, which led to various articles and YouTube videos for his edification, each of which he consumed about 10–25% of before skimming the rest and moving on. This came after a full morning of searches which included “Innovative Solutions Corp Website,” “ISC Website,” “Internet Explorer not loading,” and “how to set company website as home page.”
“I like to keep up with things,” Doyle said, quickly scrolling past a Vice thinkpiece before completing another Google search which led him to a Slate thinkpiece. “I don’t have enough time to drive anywhere for lunch, so I just go down to the building’s deli, grab a turkey-and-cheese [sandwich], hang out there for a little bit, then I come back up here and still have 30 minutes left to do whatever.”
Doyle, who graduated from the University of Houston with a Bachelor of Computer Information Systems in 2012, earned his degree after eight semesters of Googling tutorials and Wikipedia pages for his courses. He matriculated from the University of Houston to the Innovative Solutions Corp office after graduating on scholarship, which he attributes to “working really hard in high school,” where he Googled the answers to various study guides in Math, History, Science, and English, and utilized Google Translate “para [su] clase de español.”
“It’s just really nice to unwind before getting back to work,” Doyle concluded, knowing that his work would ultimately consist of Googling similar, if not identical search queries from earlier that morning, while leaving the tabs open of that which he Googled during his lunch break. “By the time my lunch break is over, it’s already pretty close to the end of the day.”
Upon concluding our interview, Doyle cheerfully waved goodbye, left the ISC offices, and arrived at home 37 minutes later, where he was seen opening Facebook, scrolling down his news feed for 2 minutes, and refreshing Facebook again.
Press Secretary Sean Spicer has released a statement saying that the President cannot be held accountable for giving classified intelligence to Russian officials, because Geminis are often prone to being clever fast-talkers.
“You see, Geminis often feel caught in the middle of things, between supportive and challenging energies. The President is simply living out the life that his sun and his ascending have given him,” Spicer said. “While Vanity Fairis a clearly biased publication that often publishes fake news, you cannot deny that this May’s predictions for Gemini signs were spot on for President Trump.”
Michelle Graves, a reporter for the Washington Post, said that Spicer’s comments gave her increased clarity on recent events. “I had noticed that the President was making a lot of decisions that most presidents don’t, but when Spicer explained that his actions were based on an archaic and superstitious means of determining who someone will become in their lives, it made total sense.”
The press conference ended with Spicer predicting that, based on the positions of Venus and Neptune this summer, Americans should keep in mind that Trump will likely become restless and want to take more risks. However, he told them not to worry; the Trump administration is currently taking applications for a peace-loving, mellow Taurus to join his cabinet and dissuade any possible fear.