CHICAGO, IL — Airline passenger and noted sweaty person Geoffrey Markus tacitly announced that he intends to either finish his sandwich or not finish his sandwich before boarding his flight to San Diego, which is set to depart in 10 minutes.
The former course of action would force Markus to eat his sandwich quickly and haphazardly, likely resulting in scattered crumbs on the terminal seats and cementing Markus’s position as the final person to board the plane, making him “that guy.” The latter tactic would allow Markus to board immediately, but would also lead to his consumption of the sandwich within the confines of the middle seat, with nowhere to put the sandwich residue or garbage for the full 4 hours of his flight, also making him “that guy.”
Markus, who checked-in for his flight earlier this morning and remarked “oh yeah you can do that online now” even though said service has now existed for at least a decade, believed that his boarding number of C31 would ensure him sufficient time to purchase, consume, and dispose of his footlong toasted Italian bread Subway Black Forest Ham sandwich.
“Normally boarding takes like 30 minutes! You know how they are,” Markus proclaimed to his concerned wife as he approached the counter, without clarifying who “they” are and refusing to indicate whether his statement was purely anecdotal or based on nothing at all.
The public relations representative for Southwest Airlines could not be reached for comment, citing a “nasty Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt” that she had to “take care of first.”
As millions of Americans gathered across the country to take part in 4th of July festivities, rumors have swirled throughout the nation’s capital that July 3rd might be getting jealous.
“It just doesn’t understand why July 4th gets all this attention every year,” said Darrell Chang of the Brookings Institution, a Washington think tank which recognizes the 4th of July as a holiday, but not the 3rd. “We tried explaining to [July 3rd] that people want to celebrate America’s independence, not just an early day in July, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference.”
This year, the Independence Day of the United States falls on a Tuesday, leading many employers to give both Monday and Tuesday off. July 3rd has reportedly grown incredulous that millions of Americans will come together for celebrations on Monday with signs, balloons, and paper plates celebrating Tuesday.
One source, which insisted on anonymity but greatly resembled a daily calendar set to July 3rd wearing a fake mustache, contended that this year, the weekend should be called “3rd of July weekend,” as that is “when all the fun shit is finna go down.”
The source, which could not have weighed more than a few pounds and whose only remotely human characteristic we could distinguish was the aforementioned mustache, pointed out that there are many things worth celebrating during the 24 hours before Independence Day.
“Where would we be without the founding of the Bank of Savings in New York in 1819?” pondered the source, which we feel obliged to report looked remarkably like an anthropomorphic bound paper stack in an unconvincing disguise. “Does the admission of Idaho as the 43rd state in this Union not deserve some form of acknowledgment? And what of the Labour Party’s 1995 victory in the St. Kitts and Nevis general elections?”
“I believe any rational calendar day — duhhh, I mean human American person — would admit that these events are much cooler than signing some brown old parchment, and deserving of at LEAST half as many barbecues and/or pool parties.”
No lawmaker in the 115th United States Congress has yet proposed a national holiday immediately preceding the 4th of July. It seems that cries from one anonymous lobbyist flapping around the Capitol that such a holiday would be “dope as hell” have fallen on deaf ears.