By Gabs Victóri
What began simply as a crime of fashion quickly derailed into a 20 mile long police chase and a hostage situation lasting five hours. The culprit? A tigress in heat, infatuated with the “aroma” of local 25-year-old, self-proclaimed professional stoner, Brad Josh-Jason.
Last Friday, Josh-Jason put on a high school letter jacket, now too small; super skinny jeans, which he lowered just enough to show his boxers; and his best Crocs. With his hair slicked back and his breath stale at best, he was ready to leave his parents’ basement to meet college chicks at the local dorm parties he wasn’t invited to.
“I even have my own red cup,” he adds, a tactic he attributes with helping him meet his soon-to-be-legal girlfriend.
Before he left, he bathed in Axe, a staple product in his possession since middle school. But that night, Josh-Jason’s routine of making himself smell like a modern day caveman struggling to accept personal hygiene as part of civilian life backfired. He was soon on the run from a literal tigress.
The employees of the local zoo reported that at about 9:58 p.m., just as Josh-Jason was making his way through the neighborhood, they began to smell something that one described as “somehow worse and more pungent than the smell of elephant shit.” Another claimed that the odor was “so bad I couldn't smell anything because my nose couldn't process the trauma.” As they were gagging and trying to cover their noses, the zoo’s tigress sat straight up, and in a feat of inexplicable strength, lept clean over the fence and bolted down Greene Boulevard towards the source of the nasty nasal nuisance.
Cologne studies show that a chemical present in the spray is also used in catnip, a conclusion that may warrant a promising lawsuit for Josh-Jason. When asked for comment, Axe representatives replied, “Hey, pussy is pussy, man.”