I’m in a bit of a pickle.
You see, I have a very rich friend named Carlos. He recently invited me to hang out at his very large apartment on the Upper East Side. “Heck fricking yeah!” I said. But now, here I am in his apartment, desperate to empty my bladder but unsure of where to do it.
I’m no idiot, okay, I know what a toilet is supposed to look like. But that’s the problem — because Carlos is so goddamn rich, everything in his apartment is too fancy for me to comprehend. Nothing he owns is normal. The room that he claims to be his bathroom, where I currently am, looks like this:
(And yes, the two women are actually in this room. I don’t know what their purpose is… They’re just staring at me and smiling. I thought they were mannequins until one of them blinked)
So that leads me to my big question: Can I pee in this?
Let’s take a closer look at the objects in this “bathroom.”
On the floor, there seem to be two storage chairs/bins for your shoes or other small objects. It has a very nice, sleek design. I wonder if they sell these at my local Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Also, can I pee in this?
This looks like it’s some sort of jewelry box. It looks structurally sound, like it could contain a lot of jewelry. Judging by the dimensions, it could probably fit about 12 rings, 37 pairs of earrings, and a scarf. Can I pee in this?
There is an 82% chance that this object is a set of drawers. It looks well constructed. When I punch it, it hurts my hand. I could probably fit a few hamsters in here, if I wanted to. Can I pee in this?
I’ve stumbled upon an item that looks a lot like a microwave. If I’m not mistaken, you can put a bag of kernels inside one of these contraptions and it will come out as popcorn. There are certain things you shouldn’t put in a microwave, but I always forget what they are, and have caused a lot of fires as a result. Can I pee in this?
This might be a lamp. You put your hands over it, and they’ll get all toasty and warm. I have a lamp at home, and I can go hours just sitting and staring at it. Can I pee in this?
Bed? I don’t own a bed. Can I pee in this?
These are the cupped hands of one of the girls sitting in this room (they’re still staring at me). They are hardened and scabbed from what I can only assume has been years of labor (farm work, perhaps). The Life Line on these hands tells me that she hasn’t got much time left. She is wearing purple nail polish. Can I pee in this?
There’s no toilet to be found in this bathroom, so I’m just gonna hedge my bets and pee in everything!
Thanks for taking this journey with me, folks.