By Francesca Ciannavei
Looking forlornly at all the Seamless orders being picked up and whisked away to drafty, poorly lit McMahon apartments, a soggy salad on that folding table in the lobby wondered if it would ever find its forever fridge.
After the salad was ignored at an under attended on-campus event, the hosts discarded the evidence of their failure in the lobby. Stale bagels and cold coffee are usually housed quickly, but this salad has been here since noon.
Alice Moore (FCLC ’21) passed by the wilting greens on her way back home, but didn’t even stop to text her roommate group chat and ask if anyone wanted her to bring it upstairs. When asked to comment on her decision, Moore responded, “If it’s shampoo samples, I’ll grab a handful. Or Tide Pods. But they’re edible. Salad isn't.”
Despite a survey conducted that discovered 85% of McMahon residents say their vegetable intake for the week is comprised mostly of “Ram Caf curly fries,” and “jalapeno poppers from The Flame,” the lonely greens in the silver tin remain in the lobby tonight, untouched.
By Grace Getman
Fr. McShane, though a huge part of the Fordham University experience, is rarely experienced or even glimpsed by the student body. This has led some to question his physical form and even his existence.
Students have put forward a variety of theories, with wisemen in the plaza vaping mango juul pods floating different beliefs in a mystic haze. The Scriptures of the man, the legend, and the possible myth are being written as we speak.
Monotheism: The doctrine or belief that there is only one Fr. McShane, and he dwells on the 13th floor of Lowenstein.
Atheism: Fr. McShane does not exist and is a myth made to scare naughty freshmen into doing their homework.
Polytheism: There are many Fr. McShanes, and they all want to know what classes you’re taking this semester.
Denzelism: Denzel Washington is playing Fr. McShane in the role of a lifetime. His favorite line?
“You’re a 2 percenter” at any ginger within 50 yards.
Deism: Father McShane exists, but he doesn’t interfere with our mortal lives.
Pantheism: Father McShane is an energy that moves through all living things, coalescing only to serve bacon and make awkward conversation at Midnight Breakfast.
We may never know the truth. You can read the Book when it comes out.
And, maybe, the search never was about finding out who or what Fr. McShane is. Maybe it’s about all the Fr. McShanes we’ve made along the way.