ROSE HILL — While the choice of Timeflies as the Spring Weekend performer sparked controversy and disappointment among many Fordham students, the spineless, namby-pamby members of the Fordham community breathed a collective sigh of relief.
“I was really hoping that they would adhere to the genre-based interest of Fordham students,” said Damon Fletcher, FCRH ’18, whose knees knocked as he realized he was at risk of expressing a principled opinion. “But on the other hand — goodness gracious — I sure wouldn’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt by lyrics with controversy attached!”
Despite arguments that Timeflies, who have produced a number of songs which feature explicit content, should be considered no more “controversial” than any given rapper, students who eat lunch alone instead of asking to pull up a chair to the booth were very satisfied with the decision.
“Spring Weekend will be over soon anyway,” reasoned Martin O’Malley supporter Danielle Cooper, FCLC ’17. “I would rather have no memory of it at all than a memory tinged with anxiety about whether someone else in the crowd is maybe possibly the slightest bit uncomfortable. That’s a trade I’m willing to make.”
A random sample of 500 students whose most recent ten texts read “no problem! :)” revealed that 97% approve of the Spring Weekend performer decision, unless other people don’t.
To avoid similar backlash next year, a survey is being produced to determine how the 2018 Spring Weekend performer can appeal to a wider audience. It will take into consideration the viewpoints of various student populations, including the ineffectual, irresolute, indecisive, craven, chicken-hearted, lily-livered, people who end up hanging out in the dorms all night because they’re worried someone in the group will be upset with their contentious suggestion of “bowling,” and theatre minors.

Following a meeting with her best friends and a half-bottle of Charles Shaw, Bridget Thomas, FCLC ’19, has issued a vote of no confidence in herself. When pressed about this decision, Thomas said, “I don’t know. I guess I haven’t been very satisfied with my school life, but I’m also not like really happy with my personal life too? I just figured that if I issued this vote, something might happen that will improve the conditions in which I’m currently working, because this doesn’t seem healthy.”
Reactions to this vote have been varied. The parents and former teachers of Thomas expressed concern. “Sure, we haven’t been paying much attention to what was happening with her, but she kept on doing her job — that is, going to school and working — so we figured nothing was wrong” said Thomas’ mother. Conversely, Bridget’s ex-boyfriend, Carter Mays, expressed a different sentiment. “If you actually spend time with her every day, like I did, it should be obvious that she’s not okay. The fact that she took this long to tell people how she feels should tell you how serious this situation is.”
Statements such as Thomas’ have become a trend, with college students around the country issuing similar statements. As a result of this increase, these votes go largely ignored, despite their serious impact. Ultimately, Bridget Thomas’s vote of no confidence is largely symbolic; the institution she is protesting against — Bridget — will likely move forward with anti-self policy regardless.

In the wake of Fordham students now treating The Flame as a holy site after Lorde revealed that she wrote most of her new album there, Fordham Theatre Student Bobby Lawrence has felt that his accomplishments as an up-and-coming playwright were being terribly overlooked.
“Well, yeah, I know she’s Lorde and everything and she has like two grammys already and she’s only 20, but where’s my New York Times profile?” Lawrence asked. “I’ve written three off-off-off-off-off broadway plays in Dollar Pizza, and not a word about that makes it into the Times. Not a one.”
When contacted to confirm whether or not Lawrence wrote several of his plays at Dollar Pizza, the store’s owner said that Lawrence did in fact come there on a regular basis, but was not a welcome guest.
“All he does is just stand around and scream ‘Where’s my Tony?’ at our patrons,” the owner said, adding that he’ll occasionally mumble that no one appreciates the arts as much as he does. “He’s a nice guy though.”
Lawrence was last seen loitering outside Alan’s trying to find any journalists who might want to profile him.

Feeling left out of the flood of public statements inundating the Fordham community this week, Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) sophomore Rebecca Sampson issued her own public statement. The statement is in response to the USG president’s statement responding to the Faculty Senate’s statement, which responded to the Administration’s statement, which responded to the adjunct faculty’s statement.
“With all of these statements going around, I wanted to make sure my voice was heard,” Sampson said. “Whether or not these actually accomplish anything of substance, I don’t really care. If everyone else gets a statement, I want one too.”
Sampson circulated her statement via email and on all social media platforms. It was, however, soon overshadowed and forgotten, when the man running the fruit juice stand outside Lowenstein was provoked to issue his own statement on Sampson’s statement on the USG President’s statement on the Administration’s statement on the adjunct faculty’s statement.