Timid, Risk-Averse Students Endorse Spring Weekend Performer

ROSE HILL — While the choice of Timeflies as the Spring Weekend performer sparked controversy and disappointment among many Fordham students, the spineless, namby-pamby members of the Fordham community breathed a collective sigh of relief.
“I was really hoping that they would adhere to the genre-based interest of Fordham students,” said Damon Fletcher, FCRH ’18, whose knees knocked as he realized he was at risk of expressing a principled opinion. “But on the other hand — goodness gracious — I sure wouldn’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt by lyrics with controversy attached!”
Despite arguments that Timeflies, who have produced a number of songs which feature explicit content, should be considered no more “controversial” than any given rapper, students who eat lunch alone instead of asking to pull up a chair to the booth were very satisfied with the decision.
“Spring Weekend will be over soon anyway,” reasoned Martin O’Malley supporter Danielle Cooper, FCLC ’17. “I would rather have no memory of it at all than a memory tinged with anxiety about whether someone else in the crowd is maybe possibly the slightest bit uncomfortable. That’s a trade I’m willing to make.”
A random sample of 500 students whose most recent ten texts read “no problem! :)” revealed that 97% approve of the Spring Weekend performer decision, unless other people don’t.
To avoid similar backlash next year, a survey is being produced to determine how the 2018 Spring Weekend performer can appeal to a wider audience. It will take into consideration the viewpoints of various student populations, including the ineffectual, irresolute, indecisive, craven, chicken-hearted, lily-livered, people who end up hanging out in the dorms all night because they’re worried someone in the group will be upset with their contentious suggestion of “bowling,” and theatre minors.