Students Petition Universities to “Give us a Damn” Break

By Julianne Holmquist

As most young collegiates know, there is a season between Thanksgiving and the Winter break that is colloquially referred to as “paper season.” Every professor temporarily develops a ravenous hunger for 8-10 page Christmas cards of your most slapped-together-last-minute-half-baked arguments.

Because this time is so hectic, student organizers across the United States have begun petitioning for the addition of three weeks to the Julian Calendar to provide for a respite that will go between Thanksgiving and winter. Students are calling it the “Give us a Damn” Break.

Students say that adding these three short weeks to the Julian Calendar will allow them to have the time to finish all of their assignments by their 11:59:59p.m. deadlines.

Prof. Paul Augustus, of the Fordham University classics department, commented “what place do the ancient Romans have telling us how to handle time, anyway? It is 2018!” He quickly whispered an apology to a poster of Julius Caesar hung on his office wall.

It has been just three days since this petition launched and it has already accrued over 23,000 signatures.

“There’s just like so much work to do right now,” said Gina Johnson FCLC ‘22 on this issue.  “I feel so overwhelmed. I just wish that there was like another break so I could just like go home and write all these papers and then take my finals.” Johnson said she had started resorting to making burnt offerings of dining hall chicken tenders to appease Janus, the Roman of god of endings and beginnings. Her prayers appeared to have been answered when she came across students tabling for Fordham to “Give us a Damn” Break.

Father McShane sent out a university wide email to address the popular petition. It read “lolololololololololololol. not in ur dreams, kids. Get back 2 stuDYING - XOXO joe.”

Despite the administration’s failure to consider this massive petition, students at Fordham and countless other universities remain hopeful that, in the future, all universities in the United States will give us a damn break.