"The Bachelor: Fordham" in Full Swing

By Charlie Friedlander

Hot off the tails of Pilot Pete's smash appearance on this season of The Bachelor, the new Fordham Bachelor spin-off series is about to kick off! Father McShane was sure to put the classic Fordham spin on the hit dating show, pitting Lincoln Center's 2,000 female undergrads against each other in a bid for the only straight and single man at Fordham’s Manhattan campus. When asked about the drastically disproportionate ratio of contestants to bachelors, The Bachelor: Fordham (TBF) producers informed reporters that, “we really tried to find a guy -- literally any guy at this campus who could fit the bill. At one point we almost reached out to Rose Hill, but I mean -- Jesus Christ, how desperate can you get?”

Audiences are sure to love who TBF scouts managed to dig up -- Craig Smith, a freshman Gabelli student with a Juuling addiction and five Brockhampton posters in his McKeon dorm. A bench-warming junior-varsity lacrosse player from the irrelevant town of Somewhere, New Jersey, Craig wanted to let the ladies out there know that he’s, “ready for love, yet terrified of commitment.” This season’s Bachelor is sure to steal hearts -- and make one clinically depressed college student a little less single and a lot more miserable.

Whereas contestants on this season of The Bachelor found themselves embroiled in dramatic conflicts throughout their appearances, some of the upcoming contestants for TBF seem to have a different perspective. FCLC student Jordanna Morrison, who is entering the romantic fray this season, told Bleat reporters, “It hasn’t begun yet, but I’m already disappointed”. When asked to elaborate, Morrison explained, “I’m really only doing this for a sociology credit. But I figure, hey, if I’ll wind up making a drunken mistake with this guy at Barnyard anyways, why not shoot my shot now?”

The Bachelor: Fordham will be broadcast 24/7 on the numerous flatscreen TV’s found throughout campus, for reasons nobody really understands.