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by Jaaee Nadkarni  It’s minute 36 of your 75 minute Philosophy of Human Nature class. You’re on your 80th tiktok. You continue scrolling mindlessly. Oh, that one was kind of funny. You watch 12 whole seconds instead of the usual 4. You check your texts. No one has responded to your meme about Selling Sunset. You wait a minute. Still no response. You decide to look up at your professor talking about trolleys running people over. You have absolutely no idea what she’s saying. You look around the zoom at your classmates. You watch some overachievers unmute themselves in anticipation, but not say anything. One student catches your eye. You wonder what they’re looking at. They’re staring so intently. You think maybe there’s a bird outside their window. Cool.
You go back to your tiktoks. 10 scrolls later and you’re bored again. You decide it’s time for twitter. Oh look, a conservative politician said something racist today. So did another one. And another one. You like some tweets about quarantine. Just another day on twitter. 5 minutes pass. You look up again. And the student from before, they haven’t moved. They’re still staring at something. You think: damn, that must be one good looking bird. You try to pay attention to your professor. There’s only 21 minutes left, you can do it. You listen as she asks a question about utilitarian organ harvesting. You don’t even know what that means. You watch as everyone slowly goes still. No one raises a hand. None of the overachievers unmute themselves. You know what’s about to happen. She’s gonna cold call. You break out in a sweat. Please don’t be me, please don’t be me is running through your head. Then she calls on them. The bird watcher. Relief floods through you. You’re in the clear, this time. That’s when you notice, they still haven’t moved. They haven’t moved for 15 minutes. Oh no, you think, as you realize they might be frozen. Who will answer the question now?! You watch them stare as the professor waits for an answer. But THEN, you see them blink. Aha! They’re not frozen. They’re just a dummy like you. By Rhea Subramanian & Charlie Friedlander We call them “Father” but maybe we should be calling these guys “Daddy” By Charlie Friedlander  Hot off the tails of Pilot Pete's smash appearance on this season of The Bachelor, the new Fordham Bachelor spin-off series is about to kick off! Father McShane was sure to put the classic Fordham spin on the hit dating show, pitting Lincoln Center's 2,000 female undergrads against each other in a bid for the only straight and single man at Fordham’s Manhattan campus. When asked about the drastically disproportionate ratio of contestants to bachelors, The Bachelor: Fordham (TBF) producers informed reporters that, “we really tried to find a guy -- literally any guy at this campus who could fit the bill. At one point we almost reached out to Rose Hill, but I mean -- Jesus Christ, how desperate can you get?”
Audiences are sure to love who TBF scouts managed to dig up -- Craig Smith, a freshman Gabelli student with a Juuling addiction and five Brockhampton posters in his McKeon dorm. A bench-warming junior-varsity lacrosse player from the irrelevant town of Somewhere, New Jersey, Craig wanted to let the ladies out there know that he’s, “ready for love, yet terrified of commitment.” This season’s Bachelor is sure to steal hearts -- and make one clinically depressed college student a little less single and a lot more miserable. Whereas contestants on this season of The Bachelor found themselves embroiled in dramatic conflicts throughout their appearances, some of the upcoming contestants for TBF seem to have a different perspective. FCLC student Jordanna Morrison, who is entering the romantic fray this season, told Bleat reporters, “It hasn’t begun yet, but I’m already disappointed”. When asked to elaborate, Morrison explained, “I’m really only doing this for a sociology credit. But I figure, hey, if I’ll wind up making a drunken mistake with this guy at Barnyard anyways, why not shoot my shot now?” The Bachelor: Fordham will be broadcast 24/7 on the numerous flatscreen TV’s found throughout campus, for reasons nobody really understands. By Charlie Friedlander
IN A TRAGIC TURN OF EVENTS, Fordham Lincoln Center’s once revered boiler has fallen victim to the slow, inevitable march of time, leaving Lowenstein without heat for a number of days. Though gossip and rumors have spread throughout the campus, the boiler is finally ready to speak up for itself. Naturally, the diligent reporters of The Bleat were the first on the scene to conduct an interview.
INTERVIEWER: Okay, we’re on the record. My name is Charlie Friedlander, and I’m here with- BOILER: Hi. I’m the boiler, you can just call me Bo for short. INT: Bo, great. Great to have you here. To start off, can you tell us a little bit about your job at Lincoln Center? BO: I make the buildings warm. INT: Right, could you go a little more in depth with that? BO: Well, I started out here a couple decades ago. I’ve been heating up Lowenstein longer than I can remember to be honest. I make the heat, then I pipe it through the building so that the classrooms are warm. You’re welcome, by the way. INT: That’s a pretty lengthy tenure. What’s it like to boil the water that heats up Lowenstein? BO: Well -- I just wanna put this to rest -- there’s been a lot of talk about us boiling water; that’s not our job. You wanna boil something, get a kettle. Creating steam? Now that’s real work. I actually majored in steam development at a much better school. I won’t name it. Ah, what the hell -- it’s NYU. INT: So take us through a day in the life of a big-league boiler BO: It’s a lot of work. Being a verifiable vapor-makin’ boiler isn’t like being a filthy furnace, those goddamn hacks. And don’t get me started on these maintenance guys -- they leave the door open all the time, and to be honest they’re pretty handsy with me. INT: So it’s a hard job? BO: No, I burst because I got too many days off -- what do you think? Every day, I got you guys breathin’ down my proverbial neck. Always ‘make this hotter’, ‘make this colder’, ‘it’s not room temperature in here’ -- what the hell is room temperature? I’m the friggin’ boiler and I got no clue. The pressure is really high -- that’s a boiler joke. INT: Bo, do you think you can tell us a little about the day in question? BO: Sure. I was heatin’ up Lowenstein -- y’know, my regular gig -- but I started getting flooded with demands all of a sudden. INT: What kinds of demands? BO: Y’know, the normal kind. ‘Make it hotter, make it colder’, that stuff -- you frickin’ snowflakes are like Goldilocks with the thermostat. INT: What happened next? BO: Well my technician had been telling me I had to take it easy, or I was gonna blow a gasket. So I’m heatin’ this up, coolin’ this down, stressing a bunch, and then it happened -- popped a valve clean off. INT: I’m sorry to hear that, Bo. Once the valve was off, you couldn’t heat the building anymore? BO: That’s right. I was freakin’ out. This is a good gig, but we’re not unionized here -- anything that happens to me on the job, I gotta pay out the pipes. INT: Sorry Bo, just to be clear -- you don’t receive any benefits from Fordham? BO: Nope. Nada. Zilch. Not even a pension once we’re done. I had a buddy -- he was the entire sixth floor of Lowenstein -- a couple years ago, the admins said they wanted to ‘rejuvenate the school’. They got rid of him for some new shiny computer labs and some stupid cubicle things. I hear they’re doing it to a bunch of other floors of Lowenstein too. INT: Wow. What about you? Will you be able to go back to work? BO: No. They’re replacing me with some new hothead. Decades of diligent service for these Catholics- INT: Woah Bo, let’s watch the tone there- BO: [inaudible] - a God-fearing Protestant boiler- INT: Alright Bo let’s get back on track. Are there other heating opportunities out there? It’s the middle of winter, people must be looking for boilers- BO: Heating opportunities? You think there’s a LinkedIn for boilers? I’m too worn out to job search now, and nobody wants a boiler that could burst at any minute. Thank god my wife is still employed; she’s the fire safety alert system in McKeon. INT: I imagine that she was pretty alarmed when she heard the news about you. BO: That’s not funny. [silence] INT: Alright Bo, thank you very much for your time. BO: Yeah. Whatever. You can donate to Bo’s GoFundMe page, to help support him in his retirement.  Ever wondered what line you are from Michael Cohen's letter to Fordham University President Rev. Joseph M. McShane, S.J.? Pick from the responses below to find out which sentence threatening legal action against the University on behalf of President Donald J. Trump you are!
If you wanted to construct a house, how would you start to construct it?
 By Francesca Ciannavei
Looking forlornly at all the Seamless orders being picked up and whisked away to drafty, poorly lit McMahon apartments, a soggy salad on that folding table in the lobby wondered if it would ever find its forever fridge. After the salad was ignored at an under attended on-campus event, the hosts discarded the evidence of their failure in the lobby. Stale bagels and cold coffee are usually housed quickly, but this salad has been here since noon. Alice Moore (FCLC ’21) passed by the wilting greens on her way back home, but didn’t even stop to text her roommate group chat and ask if anyone wanted her to bring it upstairs. When asked to comment on her decision, Moore responded, “If it’s shampoo samples, I’ll grab a handful. Or Tide Pods. But they’re edible. Salad isn't.” Despite a survey conducted that discovered 85% of McMahon residents say their vegetable intake for the week is comprised mostly of “Ram Caf curly fries,” and “jalapeno poppers from The Flame,” the lonely greens in the silver tin remain in the lobby tonight, untouched.  By Grace Getman
Fr. McShane, though a huge part of the Fordham University experience, is rarely experienced or even glimpsed by the student body. This has led some to question his physical form and even his existence. Students have put forward a variety of theories, with wisemen in the plaza vaping mango juul pods floating different beliefs in a mystic haze. The Scriptures of the man, the legend, and the possible myth are being written as we speak. Monotheism: The doctrine or belief that there is only one Fr. McShane, and he dwells on the 13th floor of Lowenstein. Atheism: Fr. McShane does not exist and is a myth made to scare naughty freshmen into doing their homework. Polytheism: There are many Fr. McShanes, and they all want to know what classes you’re taking this semester. Denzelism: Denzel Washington is playing Fr. McShane in the role of a lifetime. His favorite line? “You’re a 2 percenter” at any ginger within 50 yards. Deism: Father McShane exists, but he doesn’t interfere with our mortal lives. Pantheism: Father McShane is an energy that moves through all living things, coalescing only to serve bacon and make awkward conversation at Midnight Breakfast. We may never know the truth. You can read the Book when it comes out. And, maybe, the search never was about finding out who or what Fr. McShane is. Maybe it’s about all the Fr. McShanes we’ve made along the way. By Grace Getman We have a big problem here at Fordham, folks. Is it the administration’s silence over important social justice issues? Is it the extremely low quality of food in the dining hall? Is it the rising tuition amidst middling rankings? How about none of these. The greatest problem facing the Fordham community right now is our mascot. Let’s be real: the Fordham Ram sucks, big time. He’s just some big dope with a couple of horns. We need a cool mascot, one who could steal your girl. A real Chad of a mascot. To help fix this problem, here is my humble contribution of better mascots. Father McShane, if you’re reading this, jot these down: #7 Gordon Ram-say  Would put the fear factor in for any rival football team. #6 Mason Ram-sey, yodeling savant and 11 year old  My yodeling king. #5 Ram-say Bolton  Some guy on Game of Thrones. I guess he’s neat. #4 Ramesses II, Pharaoh of Egypt  My Egyptian king. #3 Dodge Ram Truck  Would go over really well at Rose Hill #2 Computer RAM  We gotta look towards the future. Fordham may be my school, but RAM is my hard drive. #1 A Ramp  Simple, clear lines. Very modern. Also ADA compliant.
 By Julianne Holmquist
As most young collegiates know, there is a season between Thanksgiving and the Winter break that is colloquially referred to as “paper season.” Every professor temporarily develops a ravenous hunger for 8-10 page Christmas cards of your most slapped-together-last-minute-half-baked arguments. Because this time is so hectic, student organizers across the United States have begun petitioning for the addition of three weeks to the Julian Calendar to provide for a respite that will go between Thanksgiving and winter. Students are calling it the “Give us a Damn” Break. Students say that adding these three short weeks to the Julian Calendar will allow them to have the time to finish all of their assignments by their 11:59:59p.m. deadlines. Prof. Paul Augustus, of the Fordham University classics department, commented “what place do the ancient Romans have telling us how to handle time, anyway? It is 2018!” He quickly whispered an apology to a poster of Julius Caesar hung on his office wall. It has been just three days since this petition launched and it has already accrued over 23,000 signatures. “There’s just like so much work to do right now,” said Gina Johnson FCLC ‘22 on this issue. “I feel so overwhelmed. I just wish that there was like another break so I could just like go home and write all these papers and then take my finals.” Johnson said she had started resorting to making burnt offerings of dining hall chicken tenders to appease Janus, the Roman of god of endings and beginnings. Her prayers appeared to have been answered when she came across students tabling for Fordham to “Give us a Damn” Break. Father McShane sent out a university wide email to address the popular petition. It read “lolololololololololololol. not in ur dreams, kids. Get back 2 stuDYING - XOXO joe.” Despite the administration’s failure to consider this massive petition, students at Fordham and countless other universities remain hopeful that, in the future, all universities in the United States will give us a damn break. |
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