By AuthorNow more than a semester into the academic year, FCLC freshman Stacey Jones is still looking for a solid group of friends to hang out with, but she may have finally found a solution to her problem.
A common complaint voiced by the student body of Fordham University is that, due to the university’s Jesuit values, there are no free, readily available safer sex resources on campus. Dorm overnight guest policies are also structured so as to discourage sexual activities between heterosexual couples.
Luckily, the university’s board understands that it is unreasonable to expect young adults to abstain from all sexual activity, which is why Fordham University proudly announced, via newsletter sent out on Monday, that all staff members of the health center are now ordained priests. If a student at Fordham wishes to have sex, they now simply have to walk down to the health center with a partner of choice and a trusted witness and, after a short ceremony, the student will be able to have as much sex as he or she chooses, with the complete blessing of the school. The announcement of this exciting new initiative coincides with the beginning of the construction of a new on-campus day care center. In a breakthrough for the feral cat community, Mr. Snuggles III of the dumpster behind the McGinley Center was elected the new President of United Student Government at Rose Hill.
In an unprecedented landslide victory against incumbent Brian Reardon, Snuggles III won on a platform of lowering housing rates, cleaning up campus, mouse reform, and legalizing shitting in a box. “Meow,” Snuggles III said in his victory speech, which was met with thunderous applause by those gathered behind the McGinley Center on Sunday night. It is already being hailed as one of the best addresses in Fordham United Student Government history. “Mr. Snuggles III is the kind of President I’ve been waiting for,” said Michael Johnson, Fordham College at Rose Hill (FCRH) ’18, of the unofficial student organization Feral Cat Representation by Humans (FCRH). “It’s time for their voice to be included.” Not everyone, however, is happy with Snuggles III’s victory. The recently formed advocacy group Dogs of Rose Hill is already planning a demonstration, where they intend on barking in annoying yelps across campus until Snuggles III resigns. They have already gained the support of two Rose Hill students who say they were viciously attacked by Mr. Snuggles III’s campaign aides on campus earlier this month. Also unhappy with the Snuggles III’s meteoric rise to power is former USG President Brian Reardon, who was spotted today in the Cosi on campus muttering “It wasn’t even time for an election,” and “How’d he turn in the paperwork?” into his margherita pizza. FCLC Junior Dubbed “Zoo-Man Bob” Indicted by Animal-Hating Jesuits; Students Protest in Outrage11/1/2017
Unleash The Beast! Let Goo of Zoo! Free The Zoo-Man! These were just a few of the signs seen at the protest to free Robert Hicks, FCLC ’19, who was taken into custody by the Fordham Jesuits last Friday. Hicks, who is better-known by faculty and peers as “Zoo-Man Bob,” had been operating a pet store of sorts from within his dorm room since he arrived onto Fordham’s campus in 2015. “When I came to college, I really missed my cat,” Zoo-Man Bob recently told us, as he sat in the center of a ring of Jesuits priests, who simultaneously acted as a human wall, while also staring at him in shame. “So I had my parents mail him over,” Zoo-Man continues. “I had Little Snuggles in McKeon with me all year long and no one found him. So I thought, ‘Sick, why don’t I get more animals?’. And I did. I went to Riverside Park every morning sophomore year and started selling the fish I got there as pets. As the year went on, I got better at catching pigeons and squirrels in Central Park, and I sold them too. I was never hurting anyone, ya know? I just wanted to give the students what they want!” Students at Fordham College at Lincoln Center are not allowed to have pets of any kind with them on-campus; those who do are penalized with a fine. Zoo-Man Bob sought to bring the joy of animals to Fordham students, but ended up a victim of The System along the way. We asked an animal-hating Jesuit (the coward asked to be unnamed in the article) to explain this most unlawful treatment of our beloved Zoo-Man Bob: “I saw that in your email requesting this interview, you used the subject, ‘TELL ME WHY JESUITS HATE ANIMALS!!!’ I just want to specify, once again, that Jesuits do not hate animals. Please do not spread this lie; we can sue.” Hm, methinks the man doth protest too much (just our purely objective, journalistic observation, of course). The Jesuits have taken our animals, furry friends that we need and love. One FCLC freshman, Anna-Beth Baker, is despondent in wake of this tragic event. Baker has anxiety; her doctor told her so. She needs an animal to keep her calm and heal her terrible loneliness, but the Jesuits want her to suffer. “Peppy… they took my little Peppy,” Baker tells us, in between heaving sobs. “Peppy is my guide-squirrel. When she’s with me, I feel strong…” Baker pauses. “But one day, the bad men, they came into my room, and they grabbed Peppy from her bed (a Trader Joe’s bag). They squeezed him and I watched him die.” Why can’t Fordham students be allowed to have animals? Why confiscate the harmless fish, guide-squirrels, and comfort-raccoons that bring such joy and light to students of the Fordham College at Lincoln Center community? No one knows. All that is certain is that Zoo-Man Bob must be freed, for only he has the power to fight the big, bad Jesuits who all hate animals and make students watch them die. Fordham’s future is Zoo-Man Bob. Let him go. Amen. In a true feat of mental strength never before seen on campus, sophomore Joanna Walsh successfully explained the entirety of her Philosophy of Human Nature course to a classmate in the three minutes before the midterm. Not missing a detail, she explored in great depth the nuances of Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, even taking a whole 4.5 seconds to ruminate on the nature of logic.
“I don’t know how she did it,” said Brandon Carter, the classmate with whom Walsh was speaking before their midterm today at 10:00 a.m. “After not studying at all and getting that three minute summary, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that prepared to take a midterm before.” The interaction started when Carter, visibly anxious as he tapped his blue Bic pen against his wireframe glasses, leaned over the right side of his desk to talk to Walsh. She sat at attention, her desk cleared, save five identically sharpened no. 2 Dixon Ticonderoga pencils. “Hey so can you explain what Plato was talking about to me?” Carter asked earnestly, hoping to save himself from certain failure. “What part of it?” Walsh replied. “All of it,” Carter asserted. “Actually the entirety of the course. Like all of the readings, all of the lectures, including the movie we were supposed to watch for homework and the three books over 300 pages that we had to read by this point, but that I haven’t touched at all. I figured now is a good time to talk about it. You can explain that all to me now, right?.” Realizing that her time to show her true talents had come, Walsh took a deep breath at 9:57 a.m. and launched into a synopsis of Western philosophy that made Crash Course videos look like long winded documentaries. Her deft selection of detail and the amount of time she spent on each topic — about 9.745 seconds on average — displayed a clear understanding of the material that perhaps their professor did not even possess. As the clock struck 10:00 a.m., Walsh ceased her explanation, and turned back towards the front of the room just in time to take the exam from the professor’s hand. Enabled by the wisdom imparted upon him by Walsh, Carter confidently took the exam, walking away with a 29 instead of the 17 he more customarily scored on such tests. “I’ll forever be in her debt,” Carter said, breathing a sigh of relief as he shook his hand from exhaustion after having written a whole five sentences on the test that he had an hour to complete. “Most of the time when I walk in unprepared for class and ask one of my classmates to explain the entirety of the course material to me, I just get sideways glances. I mean, if Walsh can explain 7 weeks worth of course material to me in three minutes, why can’t everyone?” We finally caught up with Walsh about an hour after the exam, when she was voraciously reading the works of St. Augustine while walking in the hallway between classes. Although she said she prefers not to share her secrets, she did shed some light on how she managed to say everything in three minutes. “It really just comes down to how much info you know and how much you’re willing to bullshit in order to get an annoying classmate you know to leave you alone,” Walsh said. “Sometimes, you get to use both.” Nate Tucker, FCLC ’21, has decided that he will not be reaching out to club leaders to take part in any Fordham extra-curricular activities during his remaining seven and a half semesters at the school, because he has already established a strong friendship with the Ram Cafe’s crispy chicken tenders.
The young Ram was overheard saying this justification for loneliness to his roommate Will Donnelly last Monday, as a response to Donnelly’s question of whether Tucker wanted to join Model UN with him. Tucker reassured his concerned roommate with a pat on the shoulder and an eerily vacant stare into space, coupled with the justification for his decision to choose fried poultry over friends: “Chicken tenders don’t ask you to research Bangladesh for a conference. Chicken tenders understand.” When pressed for how Tucker plans to replace his social life with the popular Aramark food item, he said, “I think it’s going to be very easy. From the moment we first saw each other, we just clicked. We go everywhere together: to my room, to the library, to class, to the bathroom…there’s really nothing I would rather do without them.” Two days later, tensions in McKeon 21–08 seemed to reach a peak between Donnelly and Tucker’s new-found friend. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ASKED OUR R.A. IF YOU COULD SWITCH ME OUT AS YOUR ROOMMATE WITH A $5 DISH OF CHICKEN TENDERS,” Donnelly was heard yelling. Tucker had no direct response for Donnelly. Instead, he continued tucking a single chicken tender into Donnelly’s bed, and whispering something not entirely distinguishable, but sounded like “there, there, Tender. You won’t ever forget when it’s your turn to take out the trash, now will you? No, you won’t ever let me down…” Interestingly enough, Tucker isn’t the only new Fordham student choosing fowl over friends this fall. 61% of Class of 2021 members surveyed said that they would rather spend their fifteen minutes choking down fried chicken by-product made by the Nation’s #1 Prison Chow Provider than make a genuine human connection with a classmate. In addition, 38% said that they wouldn’t mind paying up to $10 a day for the bird flesh strips if it meant that they wouldn’t have to make polite conversation with anyone also sitting alone in a McKeon lounge with them for the rest of the year. Most surprising, 19% of freshmen even offered to take this deal with the Ram Cafe’s crispy chicken sandwiches, even though Aramark employees have confirmed that not a single one of those has ever sold. “Our numbers are growing,” said Tucker between loving French kisses with a small scraggly tender. “They’re growing just like a sophomore living in an overflow McMahon apartment: salty and alone.” NEW YORK — On Monday September 18th, Fordham’s Lincoln Center added a ram statue to its Outdoor Plaza. Just two weeks later, the ram already feels a deep brokenness as a city dweller.
“I thought living in the heart of Manhattan would mean experiencing culture, being more productive, and making new interesting friends,” said the ram, “But within 24 hours I was crying on the C Train and being yelled at by a stranger.” The ram has reportedly already become “bitter beyond belief” and can’t “even begin to explain [its] hatred for Times Square.” Jacob Hinnant (FCLC ’20) tried to ride the ram, “Some friends and I thought it would be fun to pose on the statue for a picture,” said Jacob, “But the smell was unbearable. It clearly sleeps outside and hasn’t showered in days.” Students have also complained that the ram howls at night. When confronted about this, the ram responded “I’ve had Dollar Pizza four days in a row and no one will sign me in as an overnight guest. I will howl as loud as I fucking want.” NEW YORK, NY — Scrolling through her Twitter feed for the seventh time in an hour, Alicia Dobson (FCLC ’21) considered reaching out to her friends to make plans for that evening, but ultimately concluded that the other freshmen, who, like her, had just arrived on campus without knowing almost anyone three weeks earlier, were probably busy.
“It’s not a big deal, and I don’t want to seem clingy,” said Dobson, who silently wondered whether she made a mistake in skipping the optional, “fun” orientation programming earlier that month. “I figure that if people are doing stuff, they’ll invite me if they want me around. No need to make things awkward by trying to butt in.” “I thought about asking Alexis [Jacobs (FCLC ’21), Dobson’s roommate] what she was up to, but she left thirty minutes ago and seemed to be in a rush. She’s probably hanging out with her old high school friends or something.” After a pause, Dobson, who had completed all of the readings for that semester thus far, and whose midterms remain over a month away, admitted, “It’s probably best for me to get some studying in anyway.” “I would head down to the dining hall to talk to people, but it’s already 7:40, and it closes at 8. I don’t want to make the dining services people stay late to clean my dishes.” Dobson then gathered a couple of stray sheets of paper from her otherwise spotless desk and remarked, “I might as well get some cleaning done tonight. That’s nice and productive.” “Anyway,” Dobson offered, “I haven’t called my mom in a while, and by the time she’s done talking, I’ll be ready to go to bed anyway.” [Editor’s Note: Her mom was out with friends.] At press time, Alexis Jacobs was seen in the floor lounge across the hall, deleting a Facebook message to Dobson which had been halfway written. |