 This was never supposed to happen.
The Scene: Burning. Everything is burning. Cars are piled-up, heaps of crumpled metal. The odd rubber wheel rolls aimlessly and alone down the fiery remains of I-105. The perpetual, cheery Los Angeles sun now seems mocking and cruel. And in the center of it all stands one man -- James Corden. The History: America is a nation broken and divided by politics and social issues. However, if there is one thing that everyone in the country can come together and agree upon, it is that the Carpool Karaoke segment on the CBS’s The Late Late Show with James Corden is frickin hilarious. Every day, Americans demand more and more carpool karaoke. James Corden does his best to supply -- he tirelessly learns song after song, staying up days on end practicing everything from “Thank u next” to “It’s the End of the World” thousands of times for YOU, America, YOU. So, February 2nd, 2019 was supposed to be a day like all the rest, where Corden would jump into his car with some beloved celebrity, and he would sing his heart out, and we would all sing with him. But that wasn’t what happened that fateful day. It turns out many hearts would be out by the end of the day, just not through song. So it goes. The Crime: James Corden cruised down I-105 in his used 2009 Honda Civic, shrieking “That’s Amore” as celebrity guest, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, harmonized accordingly. It was fun, it was great, and it was cool as hell. But then the raucous pair hit traffic. And that’s where the trouble began. Exclusive video footage streamed from The Rock’s cousin, Phil’s Facebook Live, gave viewers an intimate, back-seat view of the entire, gruesome incident. “WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE THAT’S AMORE!” James Corden charmingly bellowed. But suddenly, The Rock was as silent and still as… a rock. “Dwayne, you missed the harmony on ‘Amore,’ mate, are you alright?” But Dwayne remained quiet. His face was scrunched up and his muscles were starting to shrivel up and deflate. Here, the livestream shook as Phil quaked in fear. “I’ve seen this face before!” Phil squeaked. James Corden violently turned and faced Phil, fist raised. “Who the bloody hell are you?!” the beloved late night host demanded menacingly. “I-I’m Phil! Dwayne’s 58 year-old cousin, remember?” James Corden remembered now. “Well, Phil, what’s the problem?” Phil gulped, eyes wide and terrified. “Dwayne is about to sneeze.” Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson had transformed into “The Pebble” within minutes -- his muscles had completely deflated, and all of his limbs had retracted back into his body, so that he was just a ball with a head. A head fiercely trying to hold a sneeze. “The world has never seen Dwayne sneeze before because it’s dangerous. He’s one of the most powerful and charming men in the world. To be so well-liked, he holds a LOT in. And when he sneezes, that power and hatred and animosity comes out. And it’s explosive.” Phil looked as if he’d seen a ghost after spouting out this monologue, but James Corden only laughed. “Good one mate-” And just like that, as the last “That’s Amore” rung out in the car, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson sneezed. His sneeze was a ball of flame that torched through the windshield and struck the car seized by traffic in front of them; The car exploded on contact and set off a chain reaction of explosion, a Domino effect, a Rube Goldberg, if you will, of cars exploding into massive bursts of carnage and flame one after the next. Every car except for their own exploded in a massacre taking 400 victims, all captured live on Phil’s Android. James Corden turned off the radio. The Aftermath: No one hoped for the Carpool Karaoke Massacre of 2019 to happen, but we can admit in hindsight that we all kind of saw it coming. For now, Carpool Karaoke production is suspended, and the nation waits with bated breath for the segment to be okay to watch and enjoy again. But for now, we take solace in binging ingenious Tik Tok videos and Instagram comedians. James Corden and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson faced no negative repercussions. Phil took the fall. This is America.
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 By Julianne Holmquist
After weeks of negotiation, two bills that called to end the shutdown failed to pass. The Republican bill included funding for the border wall and heavier asylum restrictions in exchange for a temporary extension for the DACA dreamers and TPS holders. Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, and Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, found this deal to be an insubstantial compromise. Schumer stated that the bill is “one-sided, harshly partisan, and was made in bad faith.” The Democratic bill called to temporarily end the shutdown by funding the federal government through Feb. 8th while negotiations continue. Six Republicans crossed party lines to vote for this bill, yet it too failed to pass. Luckily, a bipartisan bill passed to end the shutdown. This revolutionary bill that is definitely not a direct copy of the Democrats original bill called to temporarily end the shutdown by funding the federal government through Feb. 15th while negotiations continue. You hear that? 15. Not 8. Totally different. Realizing that it will be extremely difficult to appease President Trump without including a border wall in their plans, Democrats have shifted their tactics. In further attempts to work across the aisle, Democrats will consider a wall in their next set of terms for border security. This wall, which is gaining favor from both Republicans and Democrats, will rest on the northern border of the United States, and it will span from the west to the east coast. Descriptions of the border wall have shifted since President Trump included the promise of a wall in his 2016 campaign. Early conceptions of the wall described it as 50 feet of concrete spanning about a thousand miles. Recently, President Trump has been describing a steel, fence-like structure that will border key areas. Both of these plans for the wall have since been scrapped. The US-Canada border wall will be composed of a pleasant looking 4ft. tall white-picket fence. This unimposing fence (I mean wall) will not run across any Native lands or obstruct any pretty views of Canada. The Canadian side of the fence will have intermittent flower beds and welcome signs. The US side of the fence (I mean wall) will increase what Pelosi refers to as “border security and ego security.” Trump will be able to tell his supporters that he has built their wall, and the fence (I mean wall) will include several signs which contain phrases such as “Trump is a winner, you are a loser,” “Trump is more attractive than your Prime Minister,” and a classic, “Trump was here.” This fence (dammit. wall) will stand for years to come as a symbol of party cooperation and compromise. Americans should be proud of all the progress their leaders have made during this brief five week shutdown. |
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