Christ Warriors Take on Halloween, Decide “It’s Not Just For Pagans Anymore”

The largely Catholic Great Oaks gated community of Yorba Linda, California celebrated Halloween for the first time this week, bringing a righteous new twist to the unholiest night of the year. Acoustic Hillsong United rang from every home, and the streets were lined with gory Stations of The Cross, transporting guests straight into The Passion of the Christ. Not a witch, ghost or heathen was in sight, except in the McDonley family’s award-winning Seven Circles of Hell-themed haunted house.
Mary Grace Johnson, President of the Great Oaks Homeowners Association spearheaded the decision for the Catholic neighborhood to allow the kids to dabble in the, as she put it, “pagan demon spirit fun.”
Children lined up at every door in the community with their arms folded over their chests to receive blessings, and allow their candy buckets to be filled with the gift of the Holy Spirit. Plastic rosaries, scapulars, and prayer cards were also distributed, because “the sweetest things come from The Lord, not glutton” claims Mrs. Johnson.
“We wanted to make our own celebration of the Devil’s Holiday” she beamed as she lovingly put her arms around her daughter Mary Elizabeth Johnson, 16, dressed as a discalced nun, and her son John Samuel Johnson, 10, dressed as a dragon with “Revelations 12” written on his chest.
Meanwhile, Great Oaks resident and local rowdy rhubarb Mary Catherine Johnson, 18, sat alone on her couch with her arms crossed. She reported that she had been grounded for trying to leave the gated community for the night. “This stinks,” she said, over cries from her mother not to use such profane language. “Now they won’t let me go to Bible study tonight. This is why we never should have started celebrating Halloween here.”
Father Steve, pastor of The Most Holy Precious Blood of Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior Thank You Jesus Amen Catholic Church exuberantly claimed that the night was a wonderful success as he posed for a picture with five young children all dressed as him. He added in that for those who spent Halloween on the dark side, he will be hosting confessions and exorcisms on Wednesdays and Fridays for the next two weeks.
Aside from the contemporary Christian music playing from each doorstep, and the distribution of sacramental goodies as gifts, the evening largely mirrored that of any other neighborhood’s Halloween — with one exception. The Greene family, at 45 Cherry Lane Loop Boulevard, chose to hand out Snickers bars. Johnson confirmed that they were all confiscated, and will be burned at The Lord’s Altar the following morning.