Justice Amidst Anarchy: Father McShane Refunds Housing Costs via Dining Hall Swipes

By Charlie Friedlander

    At the core of Fordham’s Jesuit mission are the virtues of generosity and kindness -- without them, the very foundation of our beloved institution would be eroded. Reflecting these tenants, Father McShane magnanimously announced this week that on-campus Fordham residents could expect a partial refund of their $20,000 housing payments, available immediately to all students through the campus Dining Hall. 

Though students certainly shouldn’t expect a monetary refund, Father McShane was quick to assure reporters that students would receive the full value of their remaining housing payments. Accounting for each swipe, which comes out at roughly $11 a pop, the once desperate students of Fordham can breathe easy and enjoy roughly nine hundred more meals at Lincoln Center’s premier dining establishment. Whereas other universities have offered their students financial compensation in the wake of COVID-19 related quarantining, Father McShane found this ingenious solution after meeting with university budgetary expert Roger Smith.

The diligent & vigilant (those words are so hard to read close to each other) reporters of the Bleat approached Mr. Smith to get a closer look into this new policy.  “I mean, all the food’s still sitting in there, going to waste otherwise -- some of this vegan curry is still good”, said budget committee member Roger Smith. While Smith gave the sneeze-guards a quick spit-shine, reporters asked about potential monetary reimbursements. Smith explained, “Oh yeah -- refunding the money would friggin’ sucked”. Asked to elaborate, Smith clarified that, “we want the housing money, because it’s a lot of money; but there’s also a lot of food here, which we don’t want”.
​
EDIT: Since the writing of this article, Father McShane announced the refund of 50% of housing costs, and will be taking it upon himself to ship each student’s share of leftovers to their billing address.