Dipshit Friend Insists We Walk 20 Blocks Instead of Driving, Thinks We’re Usain Bolt or Something
HOUSTON - Despite the immediate availability of a perfectly air-conditioned minivan, your dumbass friend and local numbnuts Brett Grosscope has brazenly suggested that we walk a full 20 fucking blocks instead of driving to Outback Steakhouse, because we guess we look like we’re his yuppie running club buddies or some shit. “It’s such a nice day!” claimed Grosscope, who apparently believes 85 degrees is a reasonable temperature to which we should expose our disgusting, floppy bodies for upwards of 23 minutes. “Plus it’ll be great for the environment,” the asshat added, leaving us to assume that he must have just been crowned Lord of the Sustainability Empire or whatever. At press time, Grosscope had concluded his implacably upbeat diatribe and was seen strutting out the door with his infuriatingly spunky little lemur legs.
After what the Gabriella Unified Fertilization District is calling “the most competitive cycle in history,” approximately 249.999999 million sperm have been refused entry to the Fallopian Prenatal Development Academy. “Some people think the college application process is competitive, and I know some parents even stress about preschool submissions, but at least their acceptance rates are comprehensible to the human mind,” said Carl, a male gamete who sought admission to the Oocyte Center, but instead plans to take a gap instant during which he will be vaporized in the vaginal canal. “I don’t know if it really makes sense to jump straight into fertilization from meiosis anyway.” At press time, a new cohort of 250 million applicants were successfully emitted to their safety napkin.
THE SKY - In its first press conference since it began to be perceived within our universe 13.8 billion years ago, the color spectrum announced today that it will soon phase out “yellow,” the color evoked by light with wavelengths ranging between 570 and 590 nanometers. “We decided to give it a trial period of countless millennia,” the visible portion of electromagnetic radiation explained, “but ultimately we determined that, as we expected, yellow is ultimately a redundant color. There’s really nothing it can do that orange and green can’t handle for themselves.” Pointing out The Sun, a regular collaborator with light, That Which Can Be Seen mused “everybody thinks the sun is yellow, but that’s actually a misperception caused by human optical limitation and the atmosphere. Additionally, our focus groups have indicated that sighted humans age 18-34 believe the sun ‘looks, like, way cooler when it’s red during sunset’ and they want to know ‘why can’t the sun look that dope all day?’ Well, now it can.” At press time, the International Federation of Olfactory Glands revealed their intentions to “eliminate stinky stuff” after a consultant firm determined such smells are “yucky.”