Dipshit Friend Insists We Walk 20 Blocks Instead of Driving, Thinks We’re Usain Bolt or Something

​HOUSTON - Despite the immediate availability of a perfectly air-conditioned minivan, your dumbass friend and local numbnuts Brett Grosscope has brazenly suggested that we walk a full 20 fucking blocks instead of driving to Outback Steakhouse, because we guess we look like we’re his yuppie running club buddies or some shit. “It’s such a nice day!” claimed Grosscope, who apparently believes 85 degrees is a reasonable temperature to which we should expose our disgusting, floppy bodies for upwards of 23 minutes. “Plus it’ll be great for the environment,” the asshat added, leaving us to assume that he must have just been crowned Lord of the Sustainability Empire or whatever. At press time, Grosscope had concluded his implacably upbeat diatribe and was seen strutting out the door with his infuriatingly spunky little lemur legs.