 By Grace Getman & Cathleen Freedman
McKeon residents have come forward with paranormal complaints. As far as we can tell, they have occurred since the removal of the controversial Robert Moses plinth in 2016. Upon further questioning, these students say that the Robert Moses plinth’s spirit haunts their dorm. Yes, EXPLICITLY the Robert Moses plinth. Do not confuse the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth with the spirit of Robert Moses. We talked to Robert Moses’s ghost, and he said he would like to be excluded from this narrative. All ghostly accusations are toward the ghost of the plinth. The first sign that something was amiss occurred in September, when several freshmen reported hearing car honks in their dorm at 4am, the time when the only sound students should be hearing is their drunk suitemate stumbling back from Rose Hill and then loudly complaining that they lost their key. These students theorize that these honks are the doing of the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth. Robert Moses is remembered by many as a big fan of cars. In addition, one FCLC ‘22 student said she “can hear the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth whisper through the faucet.” Every time she brushes her teeth, she hears the plinth’s spirit say, “Erect the plinth...Erect the plinth….” When asked for further comment, she denied and said, “I’ve heard too much already.” Multiple McKeon residents have reported that they have found their bamboo plants from the CAB Back-To-School event in September knocked over. One FCLC ‘22 student says he walked into his room and saw the spirit of Robert Moses’s plinth in the middle of knocking down his bamboo plant. When the student asked the Robert Moses plinth’s spirit why he was knocking down the bamboo plant, the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth yelled, “CONCRETE JUNGLE, BABY!” On October 3, a group of FCLC ‘22 students were stuck in a McKeon elevator for three minutes. “It would have been longer,” one of the students said, “but the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth said he would let us out if we signed a petition to reinstate the plinth on campus.” There were no injuries except for the students’ reputations. More serious injuries occurred in November. Right as the RA was coming to perform Room Safety & Health Inspections, tapestries and string lights were spontaneously placed on a student’s walls. Freshman dance major and victim Sasha DiGiorno says she hurriedly threw the offending items out the window, and then chanted “vroom vroom vroom” three times in front of a mirror in order to summon the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth, because She Wanted To Have Words. The statue offered no apologies, instead offering her a place in McMahon if she would let him turn her dorm room into an opera lounge. She refused but said she’d reconsider if it was a jazzercize lounge instead. With all of these alarming incidents afoot, the investigation into the whereabouts and motivations of this plinth(and whether it is, in fact, a stele) continue, and any information would be appreciated. If you see the spirit of the Robert Moses plinth or have any information, please contact us at 1-800-PLINTH.
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 By Gabs Victóri
What began simply as a crime of fashion quickly derailed into a 20 mile long police chase and a hostage situation lasting five hours. The culprit? A tigress in heat, infatuated with the “aroma” of local 25-year-old, self-proclaimed professional stoner, Brad Josh-Jason. Last Friday, Josh-Jason put on a high school letter jacket, now too small; super skinny jeans, which he lowered just enough to show his boxers; and his best Crocs. With his hair slicked back and his breath stale at best, he was ready to leave his parents’ basement to meet college chicks at the local dorm parties he wasn’t invited to. “I even have my own red cup,” he adds, a tactic he attributes with helping him meet his soon-to-be-legal girlfriend. Before he left, he bathed in Axe, a staple product in his possession since middle school. But that night, Josh-Jason’s routine of making himself smell like a modern day caveman struggling to accept personal hygiene as part of civilian life backfired. He was soon on the run from a literal tigress. The employees of the local zoo reported that at about 9:58 p.m., just as Josh-Jason was making his way through the neighborhood, they began to smell something that one described as “somehow worse and more pungent than the smell of elephant shit.” Another claimed that the odor was “so bad I couldn't smell anything because my nose couldn't process the trauma.” As they were gagging and trying to cover their noses, the zoo’s tigress sat straight up, and in a feat of inexplicable strength, lept clean over the fence and bolted down Greene Boulevard towards the source of the nasty nasal nuisance. Cologne studies show that a chemical present in the spray is also used in catnip, a conclusion that may warrant a promising lawsuit for Josh-Jason. When asked for comment, Axe representatives replied, “Hey, pussy is pussy, man.”  By Melissa McGilloway
On October 25, The New York Times broke the news that Google covered up Andy Rubin’s sexual misconduct, and Google became the latest company to receive backlash for sexual harassment claims. Google silently awarded the lauded ‘Father of Android’ a $90 million exit package in an effort to save face and avoid a costly legal battle. Employees of the massive tech company are outraged at how the company handled the situation, citing that Google rewards and protects its high ranking sexual predators. But here at Bing, we do things differently. First off, we’re a company of virgins. The thought of touching makes us super uncomfortable. We’ve taken a much more gentle approach to the search engine industry. We are shy. We are sweet. We are a docile search engine company. We may not be your first choice, or even your second, but we’re your safe choice and willing to take that third place. Also, here at Bing, we’re #woke. We want our users to be informed, aware, and provoked. We provide election updates on our homepage with links to learn more about the candidates throughout the country. Are you a linguist? So are we! We’ve added a Word of the Day widget to get your day started at the top of your intelligence. Sports fans, we’ve thrown in something for you too by adding NFL update widgets to the homepage. Don’t know what a widget is? Search it with Bing! Here at Bing, we’re flexible. We change ourselves to fit your wants. With our redesigned logo and easily customizable features, we’re taking a fresh approach to fitting your needs. Look, we’ll even throw in a Chrome extension if that’s what it takes. Please, give us a shot. We need to pay our bills. Our electricity went out last week. Everything is dark. But no pressure! We’d never force you to do something. That’s a Google thing.  NEW YORK -- On Tuesday, Jessica Forger (FCLC ‘21, @jessica.forger), posted an Instagram story promoting her second account @messyjessy. Three days have passed and I’ve yet to be approved as a follower despite being by her side since the very beginning.
Fake instagrams or finstas are typically private accounts where young people post personal content viewed only by close friends. Apparently, Jessica does not consider me a close friend even though I’m pretty sure I’m the only friend she has on this godforsaken campus. After 24 hours, the Instagram story was unavailable to view normally. At this point, Jessica’s new account had 45 followers who probably don’t know what it’s like to be stabbed in the back. However, the story was available on Jessica’s Instagram Highlight titled “Follow!” which just -- I’m sorry, like ??? um??? Haha like…i tried soooo.what the hell did I DO TO YOU?!  WASHINGTON DC -- White House aides expressed concern that in addition to using a personal iPhone, Trump recently granted Russia special permission to access his location via SnapChat’s Map function.
Trump denies using the personal phone but affirmed his lax privacy settings on the picture messaging app. He tweeted: “Now I wouldn’t say Russia is my friend - but maybe I would. I don’t know. They are very responsive to my Silly Filters. Streaks Important!” In response to questions about the online friendship, the Kremlin replied with their SnapChat barcode and a screenshot of a 40 day streak with a user named DonnieBigGuy45. |
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