The Search Engine Search

By Melissa McGilloway

On October 25, The New York Times broke the news that Google covered up Andy Rubin’s sexual misconduct, and Google became the latest company to receive backlash for sexual harassment claims. Google silently awarded the lauded ‘Father of Android’ a $90 million exit package in an effort to save face and avoid a costly legal battle. Employees of the massive tech company are outraged at how the company handled the situation, citing that Google rewards and protects its high ranking sexual predators.

But here at Bing, we do things differently. First off, we’re a company of virgins. The thought of touching makes us super uncomfortable. We’ve taken a much more gentle approach to the search engine industry. We are shy. We are sweet. We are a docile search engine company. We may not be your first choice, or even your second, but we’re your safe choice and willing to take that third place.

Also, here at Bing, we’re #woke. We want our users to be informed, aware, and provoked. We provide election updates on our homepage with links to learn more about the candidates throughout the country.

Are you a linguist? So are we! We’ve added a Word of the Day widget to get your day started at the top of your intelligence.

Sports fans, we’ve thrown in something for you too by adding NFL update widgets to the homepage.
Don’t know what a widget is? Search it with Bing!

Here at Bing, we’re flexible. We change ourselves to fit your wants. With our redesigned logo and easily customizable features, we’re taking a fresh approach to fitting your needs.

Look, we’ll even throw in a Chrome extension if that’s what it takes. Please, give us a shot.

We need to pay our bills.

Our electricity went out last week.

Everything is dark.

But no pressure!

We’d never force you to do something. That’s a Google thing.