An Update from the Liechtensteinian Nationalist Movement

Good day, comrades.

Our struggle continues. We have made great efforts in our inexorable journey to prove once and for all that Liechtenstein is the greatest country on Earth. But much work remains to be done, if we are to be Liechten-seen.

Proudly, we can now say that 100 patriots have pledged to our cause, each scheduling shifts to contact 50 potential recruits per day. But at that rate, it will take us upwards of 8 days to reach our beloved dominion’s entire population. Which, we must stress, is 38,000 beautiful individuals. Oh -- 37,999 -- Manfried just moved to Kosovo. What a sellout.

For too long, we have been mercilessly derided as a “microstate.” But true Liechten-stans already know that “micro” hardly means “bad.” Like a microphone, we amplify voices. Like a microwave, we heat things up. Like a Micro Center, you’ve never been here but there’s no reason why you wouldn’t drop by if it was convenient and you had a good reason.

What’s more, Liechtensteiners (and that is what we are actually called) are a remarkably diverse people. We speak every language from German with an Alemannic dialect to standard German. Our laborers commute from Switzerland and Austria, as well as the Swiss Confederation and the Republic of Austria. Among our religious, we count Roman Catholics as well as Protestants! Although admittedly we don’t actually have that many Protestants.

And yet, each and every year, we are refused from the G7 Summit. Even though we are totally on the way for the Italy-to-Germany carpool and have offered to chip in some of our tax haven money for gas. It is no less than a Liechten-snub of the highest order.

There are those who cynically argue that our plucky state is “too small” to make a meaningful impact. But what they call “small,” we call “efficient.” Sure, having vibrant, cosmopolitan cities may sound good on paper, but what of the congestion? Rest assured, when travelling through Liechtenstein, you will not be inconvenienced by anyone going anywhere.

Furthermore, internationally recognized landmarks are simply eyesores with good branding. Empire State Building? More like Empire “Takes Up Space” Building! Are we right? We are right.

We technically have a prime minister, but we’re pretty sure he just cuts ribbons and rings the “wake up” bell in the morning.

We boast brilliant minds, as evidenced by our exemplary 100% literacy rate. You may have heard allegations that we achieved that number by paying adjuncts from the University of Zurich to serve as indentured “reading attendants” for our dumb kids. To these unfounded accusations, our only response is: wouldn’t that be kinda cool though?

It is a testament to our willpower that we have not been silenced. Whether anyone has heard of us in the first place -- that’s less relevant.

Whatever other realms may seem to offer, we are confident that no one can compete with the distinctive Liechtenstein vibe. Whether you’re standing in a cultivated field with a small farm or a cultivated field without a small farm, you just know when we’ve put our Liechten-stamp on your experience.

To say nothing of our vibrant cultural touchstones! Knowledge and inquiry flows effervescently through our network of library. Cutting-edge programming is constantly broadcast from the TV channel. We have Wi-Fi.

And perhaps our most venerated tradition is neutrality, as our military dissolved in 1868. If there’s one thing that defines our national values, it’s the confidence to watch the last 150 years of world history and assuredly declare our allegiance to not getting involved!

We put the “pal” in “principality.”

And with your help, we can finally demonstrate to humanity what we have always known to be true: that Liechtenstein is Liechten-superior to every other nation (micro, macro, or Morocco) on this planet.

Or at least those Luxembourg fuckers.