On the evening of September 18, 2017, Julie Henderson, 24, spent the last $27 in her bank account on eleven cartons of eggs and a heavily discounted six-pack of Bud Light Lime. At 11:46 p.m., after yelling at a rack of greeting cards, Henderson was escorted from her local ShopRite, and entered her 2004 Toyota Four-Runner. Henderson was fully aware she was destined to make some bad decisions that night, but she had no idea that she was about to make history.
At 12:03, Henderson arrived at the home of Ted Roberts, 24, a part-time musician, most-of-the-time Redbox repairman, and all-the-time drug dealer, with whom she had recently ended a 1-year 9-month relationship. The separation of Henderson and Roberts occurred after she discovered that he was fucking basically every single person she knew. This revelation was particularly upsetting for Henderson, as sources say that Roberts “is a six at best.”
She knew she deserved revenge, but as Henderson stood on Roberts’ lawn, holding a carton of eggs, she made the damning mistake of thinking. Henderson sadly realized that she was an adult, and that egging the one-story rancher that her ex shared with three perfectly innocent roommates would not give her an Eat, Pray, Love-style personal revelation, but would probably get her arrested, and, unlike the tax fraud she is planning on committing later this year, would make the arresting officers think she was pretty dumb. Henderson cursed her brain for ruining her revenge, and resolved to destroy that backstabbing bitch of an organ by drinking lots of alcohol very quickly. This, however, was impossible, because Henderson had wasted her money on Bud Light Lime, which is essentially sewage.
Henderson sped back to her local ShopRite, to threaten the bagboy until he sold her some consumable alcohol. She was taking a moment to cry in her car, because it’s okay to feel things, when she heard the heinous melody of spinning skateboard wheels and barely pubescent giggles. It was then, at 12:38, on September 19th that a scientific miracle occurred. Henderson got out of her car, presumably to maim these skateboard youths, but instead, changed the face of modern alcohol usage. “You kids can have this beer if you go egg my ex-boyfriend’s house.”
The skateboarders were in awe. In the words of a young man who asked to be identified as “Thrasher,” “We got Bud Light Lime! That stuff is strong, and my mom never gets it, so it must be expensive. I think it was aged. Classy stuff.”
Henderson has revolutionized the way that people will carry out petty revenge in the coming decades. In response to the attention her discovery has received, Henderson has said “Please stop sharing this. I did something illegal, and I’m really worried that Ted will find out. I want custody of our fish, and if he knew I egged his house, it might make legal proceedings awkward.”
A true American hero.