Try-Hard Unmutes Self to Say "Bless You" on Zoom

By Charlie Friedlander

Students were left bewildered and conflicted after Sheri Miller (FCLC ‘24) sneezed into her elbow this morning, only to receive a verbal blessing from classmate John Charles (FCLC ‘23). The confounding decision to speak unprompted during a finite mathematics lesson came as a confusing surprise to many students in the class. Glorious STEM major Jessica Patel (FCLC ‘23) lowered herself to our liberal arts level to give a comment. “It was kind of weird, because like -- Sheri was muted when she sneezed?” Expanding further on the confusion, Patel established that, “most of us didn’t even notice when she sneezed,” and that it felt “aggressively performative of John.”

We tricked adjunct mathematics professor Martin Imahara into giving Bleat reporters the scoop. Professor Imahara, who is only sort of a real professor, told us that John Charles seemed like, “a bit of a try-hard when it came to social interaction,” and that “[John Charles] made an incredibly detailed and extensive ice-breaker at the beginning of the semester, even though all he was supposed to do was give his name, major, and pronouns.” Imahara, who both sleeps and works from his Toyota Camry, said it was, “too much, and not like an ‘aw, he’s trying his best’ kind of way.” Unfortunately, before reporters could dive deeper into John Charles’ icebreaker, Imahara learned that we were not actually from the Observer and terminated the interview.
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Eyewitnesses reported that the sneeze occurred early in the class, which began at the crack of dawn (11:30 a.m.). Sources who wished to remain anonymous speculated that the sneeze could have occurred for a number of reasons -- be it the early hour, when many students are prone to “morning sneezes,” or perhaps some pollen that wafted through her open window. Additionally, some wonder at the possibility of dust as a contributing factor to the sneeze. Sources close to Sheri revealed that, like most students today, she spends much of her time either sitting at that god-forsaken desk in her room during class or taking depression naps between meals. Given the upwards of fourteen hours a day Sheri spends in her room, it’s quite possible that her own skin particles ultimately caused this sneeze.