CHICAGO, IL — Airline passenger and noted sweaty person Geoffrey Markus tacitly announced that he intends to either finish his sandwich or not finish his sandwich before boarding his flight to San Diego, which is set to depart in 10 minutes.
The former course of action would force Markus to eat his sandwich quickly and haphazardly, likely resulting in scattered crumbs on the terminal seats and cementing Markus’s position as the final person to board the plane, making him “that guy.” The latter tactic would allow Markus to board immediately, but would also lead to his consumption of the sandwich within the confines of the middle seat, with nowhere to put the sandwich residue or garbage for the full 4 hours of his flight, also making him “that guy.”
Markus, who checked-in for his flight earlier this morning and remarked “oh yeah you can do that online now” even though said service has now existed for at least a decade, believed that his boarding number of C31 would ensure him sufficient time to purchase, consume, and dispose of his footlong toasted Italian bread Subway Black Forest Ham sandwich.
“Normally boarding takes like 30 minutes! You know how they are,” Markus proclaimed to his concerned wife as he approached the counter, without clarifying who “they” are and refusing to indicate whether his statement was purely anecdotal or based on nothing at all.
The public relations representative for Southwest Airlines could not be reached for comment, citing a “nasty Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt” that she had to “take care of first.”