By Gabs Victóri
What began simply as a crime of fashion quickly derailed into a 20 mile long police chase and a hostage situation lasting five hours. The culprit? A tigress in heat, infatuated with the “aroma” of local 25-year-old, self-proclaimed professional stoner, Brad Josh-Jason.
Last Friday, Josh-Jason put on a high school letter jacket, now too small; super skinny jeans, which he lowered just enough to show his boxers; and his best Crocs. With his hair slicked back and his breath stale at best, he was ready to leave his parents’ basement to meet college chicks at the local dorm parties he wasn’t invited to.
“I even have my own red cup,” he adds, a tactic he attributes with helping him meet his soon-to-be-legal girlfriend.
Before he left, he bathed in Axe, a staple product in his possession since middle school. But that night, Josh-Jason’s routine of making himself smell like a modern day caveman struggling to accept personal hygiene as part of civilian life backfired. He was soon on the run from a literal tigress.
The employees of the local zoo reported that at about 9:58 p.m., just as Josh-Jason was making his way through the neighborhood, they began to smell something that one described as “somehow worse and more pungent than the smell of elephant shit.” Another claimed that the odor was “so bad I couldn't smell anything because my nose couldn't process the trauma.” As they were gagging and trying to cover their noses, the zoo’s tigress sat straight up, and in a feat of inexplicable strength, lept clean over the fence and bolted down Greene Boulevard towards the source of the nasty nasal nuisance.
Cologne studies show that a chemical present in the spray is also used in catnip, a conclusion that may warrant a promising lawsuit for Josh-Jason. When asked for comment, Axe representatives replied, “Hey, pussy is pussy, man.”
The Search Engine Search
By Melissa McGilloway
On October 25, The New York Times broke the news that Google covered up Andy Rubin’s sexual misconduct, and Google became the latest company to receive backlash for sexual harassment claims. Google silently awarded the lauded ‘Father of Android’ a $90 million exit package in an effort to save face and avoid a costly legal battle. Employees of the massive tech company are outraged at how the company handled the situation, citing that Google rewards and protects its high ranking sexual predators.
But here at Bing, we do things differently. First off, we’re a company of virgins. The thought of touching makes us super uncomfortable. We’ve taken a much more gentle approach to the search engine industry. We are shy. We are sweet. We are a docile search engine company. We may not be your first choice, or even your second, but we’re your safe choice and willing to take that third place.
Also, here at Bing, we’re #woke. We want our users to be informed, aware, and provoked. We provide election updates on our homepage with links to learn more about the candidates throughout the country.
Are you a linguist? So are we! We’ve added a Word of the Day widget to get your day started at the top of your intelligence.
Sports fans, we’ve thrown in something for you too by adding NFL update widgets to the homepage.
Don’t know what a widget is? Search it with Bing!
Here at Bing, we’re flexible. We change ourselves to fit your wants. With our redesigned logo and easily customizable features, we’re taking a fresh approach to fitting your needs.
Look, we’ll even throw in a Chrome extension if that’s what it takes. Please, give us a shot.
We need to pay our bills.
Our electricity went out last week.
Everything is dark.
But no pressure!
We’d never force you to do something. That’s a Google thing.
NEW YORK -- On Tuesday, Jessica Forger (FCLC ‘21, @jessica.forger), posted an Instagram story promoting her second account @messyjessy. Three days have passed and I’ve yet to be approved as a follower despite being by her side since the very beginning.
Fake instagrams or finstas are typically private accounts where young people post personal content viewed only by close friends. Apparently, Jessica does not consider me a close friend even though I’m pretty sure I’m the only friend she has on this godforsaken campus.
After 24 hours, the Instagram story was unavailable to view normally. At this point, Jessica’s new account had 45 followers who probably don’t know what it’s like to be stabbed in the back.
However, the story was available on Jessica’s Instagram Highlight titled “Follow!” which just -- I’m sorry, like ??? um??? Haha like…i tried soooo.what the hell did I DO TO YOU?!
WASHINGTON DC -- White House aides expressed concern that in addition to using a personal iPhone, Trump recently granted Russia special permission to access his location via SnapChat’s Map function.
Trump denies using the personal phone but affirmed his lax privacy settings on the picture messaging app. He tweeted:
“Now I wouldn’t say Russia is my friend - but maybe I would. I don’t know. They are very responsive to my Silly Filters. Streaks Important!”
In response to questions about the online friendship, the Kremlin replied with their SnapChat barcode and a screenshot of a 40 day streak with a user named DonnieBigGuy45.
Dipshit Friend Insists We Walk 20 Blocks Instead of Driving, Thinks We’re Usain Bolt or Something
HOUSTON - Despite the immediate availability of a perfectly air-conditioned minivan, your dumbass friend and local numbnuts Brett Grosscope has brazenly suggested that we walk a full 20 fucking blocks instead of driving to Outback Steakhouse, because we guess we look like we’re his yuppie running club buddies or some shit. “It’s such a nice day!” claimed Grosscope, who apparently believes 85 degrees is a reasonable temperature to which we should expose our disgusting, floppy bodies for upwards of 23 minutes. “Plus it’ll be great for the environment,” the asshat added, leaving us to assume that he must have just been crowned Lord of the Sustainability Empire or whatever. At press time, Grosscope had concluded his implacably upbeat diatribe and was seen strutting out the door with his infuriatingly spunky little lemur legs.
After what the Gabriella Unified Fertilization District is calling “the most competitive cycle in history,” approximately 249.999999 million sperm have been refused entry to the Fallopian Prenatal Development Academy. “Some people think the college application process is competitive, and I know some parents even stress about preschool submissions, but at least their acceptance rates are comprehensible to the human mind,” said Carl, a male gamete who sought admission to the Oocyte Center, but instead plans to take a gap instant during which he will be vaporized in the vaginal canal. “I don’t know if it really makes sense to jump straight into fertilization from meiosis anyway.” At press time, a new cohort of 250 million applicants were successfully emitted to their safety napkin.
THE SKY - In its first press conference since it began to be perceived within our universe 13.8 billion years ago, the color spectrum announced today that it will soon phase out “yellow,” the color evoked by light with wavelengths ranging between 570 and 590 nanometers. “We decided to give it a trial period of countless millennia,” the visible portion of electromagnetic radiation explained, “but ultimately we determined that, as we expected, yellow is ultimately a redundant color. There’s really nothing it can do that orange and green can’t handle for themselves.” Pointing out The Sun, a regular collaborator with light, That Which Can Be Seen mused “everybody thinks the sun is yellow, but that’s actually a misperception caused by human optical limitation and the atmosphere. Additionally, our focus groups have indicated that sighted humans age 18-34 believe the sun ‘looks, like, way cooler when it’s red during sunset’ and they want to know ‘why can’t the sun look that dope all day?’ Well, now it can.” At press time, the International Federation of Olfactory Glands revealed their intentions to “eliminate stinky stuff” after a consultant firm determined such smells are “yucky.”
Good day, comrades.
Our struggle continues. We have made great efforts in our inexorable journey to prove once and for all that Liechtenstein is the greatest country on Earth. But much work remains to be done, if we are to be Liechten-seen.
Proudly, we can now say that 100 patriots have pledged to our cause, each scheduling shifts to contact 50 potential recruits per day. But at that rate, it will take us upwards of 8 days to reach our beloved dominion’s entire population. Which, we must stress, is 38,000 beautiful individuals. Oh -- 37,999 -- Manfried just moved to Kosovo. What a sellout.
For too long, we have been mercilessly derided as a “microstate.” But true Liechten-stans already know that “micro” hardly means “bad.” Like a microphone, we amplify voices. Like a microwave, we heat things up. Like a Micro Center, you’ve never been here but there’s no reason why you wouldn’t drop by if it was convenient and you had a good reason.
What’s more, Liechtensteiners (and that is what we are actually called) are a remarkably diverse people. We speak every language from German with an Alemannic dialect to standard German. Our laborers commute from Switzerland and Austria, as well as the Swiss Confederation and the Republic of Austria. Among our religious, we count Roman Catholics as well as Protestants! Although admittedly we don’t actually have that many Protestants.
And yet, each and every year, we are refused from the G7 Summit. Even though we are totally on the way for the Italy-to-Germany carpool and have offered to chip in some of our tax haven money for gas. It is no less than a Liechten-snub of the highest order.
There are those who cynically argue that our plucky state is “too small” to make a meaningful impact. But what they call “small,” we call “efficient.” Sure, having vibrant, cosmopolitan cities may sound good on paper, but what of the congestion? Rest assured, when travelling through Liechtenstein, you will not be inconvenienced by anyone going anywhere.
Furthermore, internationally recognized landmarks are simply eyesores with good branding. Empire State Building? More like Empire “Takes Up Space” Building! Are we right? We are right.
We technically have a prime minister, but we’re pretty sure he just cuts ribbons and rings the “wake up” bell in the morning.
We boast brilliant minds, as evidenced by our exemplary 100% literacy rate. You may have heard allegations that we achieved that number by paying adjuncts from the University of Zurich to serve as indentured “reading attendants” for our dumb kids. To these unfounded accusations, our only response is: wouldn’t that be kinda cool though?
It is a testament to our willpower that we have not been silenced. Whether anyone has heard of us in the first place -- that’s less relevant.
Whatever other realms may seem to offer, we are confident that no one can compete with the distinctive Liechtenstein vibe. Whether you’re standing in a cultivated field with a small farm or a cultivated field without a small farm, you just know when we’ve put our Liechten-stamp on your experience.
To say nothing of our vibrant cultural touchstones! Knowledge and inquiry flows effervescently through our network of library. Cutting-edge programming is constantly broadcast from the TV channel. We have Wi-Fi.
And perhaps our most venerated tradition is neutrality, as our military dissolved in 1868. If there’s one thing that defines our national values, it’s the confidence to watch the last 150 years of world history and assuredly declare our allegiance to not getting involved!
We put the “pal” in “principality.”
And with your help, we can finally demonstrate to humanity what we have always known to be true: that Liechtenstein is Liechten-superior to every other nation (micro, macro, or Morocco) on this planet.
Or at least those Luxembourg fuckers.
The largely Catholic Great Oaks gated community of Yorba Linda, California celebrated Halloween for the first time this week, bringing a righteous new twist to the unholiest night of the year. Acoustic Hillsong United rang from every home, and the streets were lined with gory Stations of The Cross, transporting guests straight into The Passion of the Christ. Not a witch, ghost or heathen was in sight, except in the McDonley family’s award-winning Seven Circles of Hell-themed haunted house.
Mary Grace Johnson, President of the Great Oaks Homeowners Association spearheaded the decision for the Catholic neighborhood to allow the kids to dabble in the, as she put it, “pagan demon spirit fun.”
Children lined up at every door in the community with their arms folded over their chests to receive blessings, and allow their candy buckets to be filled with the gift of the Holy Spirit. Plastic rosaries, scapulars, and prayer cards were also distributed, because “the sweetest things come from The Lord, not glutton” claims Mrs. Johnson.
“We wanted to make our own celebration of the Devil’s Holiday” she beamed as she lovingly put her arms around her daughter Mary Elizabeth Johnson, 16, dressed as a discalced nun, and her son John Samuel Johnson, 10, dressed as a dragon with “Revelations 12” written on his chest.
Meanwhile, Great Oaks resident and local rowdy rhubarb Mary Catherine Johnson, 18, sat alone on her couch with her arms crossed. She reported that she had been grounded for trying to leave the gated community for the night. “This stinks,” she said, over cries from her mother not to use such profane language. “Now they won’t let me go to Bible study tonight. This is why we never should have started celebrating Halloween here.”
Father Steve, pastor of The Most Holy Precious Blood of Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior Thank You Jesus Amen Catholic Church exuberantly claimed that the night was a wonderful success as he posed for a picture with five young children all dressed as him. He added in that for those who spent Halloween on the dark side, he will be hosting confessions and exorcisms on Wednesdays and Fridays for the next two weeks.
Aside from the contemporary Christian music playing from each doorstep, and the distribution of sacramental goodies as gifts, the evening largely mirrored that of any other neighborhood’s Halloween — with one exception. The Greene family, at 45 Cherry Lane Loop Boulevard, chose to hand out Snickers bars. Johnson confirmed that they were all confiscated, and will be burned at The Lord’s Altar the following morning.
On the evening of September 18, 2017, Julie Henderson, 24, spent the last $27 in her bank account on eleven cartons of eggs and a heavily discounted six-pack of Bud Light Lime. At 11:46 p.m., after yelling at a rack of greeting cards, Henderson was escorted from her local ShopRite, and entered her 2004 Toyota Four-Runner. Henderson was fully aware she was destined to make some bad decisions that night, but she had no idea that she was about to make history.
At 12:03, Henderson arrived at the home of Ted Roberts, 24, a part-time musician, most-of-the-time Redbox repairman, and all-the-time drug dealer, with whom she had recently ended a 1-year 9-month relationship. The separation of Henderson and Roberts occurred after she discovered that he was fucking basically every single person she knew. This revelation was particularly upsetting for Henderson, as sources say that Roberts “is a six at best.”
She knew she deserved revenge, but as Henderson stood on Roberts’ lawn, holding a carton of eggs, she made the damning mistake of thinking. Henderson sadly realized that she was an adult, and that egging the one-story rancher that her ex shared with three perfectly innocent roommates would not give her an Eat, Pray, Love-style personal revelation, but would probably get her arrested, and, unlike the tax fraud she is planning on committing later this year, would make the arresting officers think she was pretty dumb. Henderson cursed her brain for ruining her revenge, and resolved to destroy that backstabbing bitch of an organ by drinking lots of alcohol very quickly. This, however, was impossible, because Henderson had wasted her money on Bud Light Lime, which is essentially sewage.
Henderson sped back to her local ShopRite, to threaten the bagboy until he sold her some consumable alcohol. She was taking a moment to cry in her car, because it’s okay to feel things, when she heard the heinous melody of spinning skateboard wheels and barely pubescent giggles. It was then, at 12:38, on September 19th that a scientific miracle occurred. Henderson got out of her car, presumably to maim these skateboard youths, but instead, changed the face of modern alcohol usage. “You kids can have this beer if you go egg my ex-boyfriend’s house.”
The skateboarders were in awe. In the words of a young man who asked to be identified as “Thrasher,” “We got Bud Light Lime! That stuff is strong, and my mom never gets it, so it must be expensive. I think it was aged. Classy stuff.”
Henderson has revolutionized the way that people will carry out petty revenge in the coming decades. In response to the attention her discovery has received, Henderson has said “Please stop sharing this. I did something illegal, and I’m really worried that Ted will find out. I want custody of our fish, and if he knew I egged his house, it might make legal proceedings awkward.”
A true American hero.